Big Bird's Cage

2005 College Football Preview: Big Ten

2005-09-08T21:55:00.000+08:00

By Big Bird's Cage contributer, the Sethel

Seeing as how I’m quickly running out of time on these previews I’m going to be real brief with most of the remaining ones. I’ve decided to abbreviate my Big Ten preview for a few reasons. 1) Any conference that calls itself the Big Ten when it has eleven members is obviously not interested in true educational pursuits 2) It’s a boring and overrated conference. Hey, you may like it, and you may be angered by my comment but it’s the truth. Deal with it. 3) I’ll take any opportunity I can to anger Ohio St. and Michigan fans, but I won’t go in depth detailing their storied programs. Why? Because they’re all Nancies, that’s why.

Also included in these brief analyses, will be a preview of Notre Dame since they basically play a Big Ten schedule (though they also have their own TV and bowl contracts, make Donald Trump-type money and yet can’t field a good team…well, couldn’t field a good team).

Predicted Order of Finish
Parentheses denote conference record

Iowa.................10-1 (7-1)
Purdue..............9–2 (7-1)
Ohio State.........8-3 (6-2)
Michigan...........8-3 (5-3)
Wisconsin..........7-5 (4-4)
Minnesota.........7-5 (4-4)
Northwestern....6-5 (3-5)
Michigan State...6-5 (3-5)
Indiana..............5-6 (2-6)
Illinois...............4-7 (2-6)

IOWA: Without a doubt the best team in the conference. And yet, everyone always seems surprised by them. Against Ball St. they scored on 7 straight possessions. I know, I know, it’s Ball St. Still this team’s offense is scary good. What’s even scarier? Their defense is better.

PURDUE: Why do I have them finishing second? Two reasons: 1) Ohio St. 2) Michigan. They don’t play either of them. Their one loss comes to Iowa. Yes, they have a new QB but he got time last year in situations where Purdue was ahead, and when Orton was benched. And he’s more mobile than Orton. AND he’s throwing to Kyle Ingraham, who’s only 6’9” with a 85’ wingspan (give or take).

OHIO STATE: They had a disappointing year last year and they’re looking to rebound. A good team that returns a lot of starters—and features two able QB’s. But they’re schedules tough: a fierce week 2 match up with Texas (the first time the two schools have ever met), and they get Iowa in week 4 with San Diego St. sandwiched in between…can you say overlooking an opponent? Now, I’m not saying that Ohio St. will lose to SDSU but it’s games like that that are rife with upset potential. And then, of course, there’s the season finale at the Big House, and Michigan will be looking to avenge last year’s loss.

MICHIGAN: They might have one of the best offenses in the country. They might also have the most porous defense in the conference. They’ll win a lot of games this year, but they’ll be winning a lot of shootouts. RB Mike Hart and QB Chad Henne will make up the bulk of the points. A potential upset lurks in the second week when Charlie Weiss’ revitalized Notre Dame squad comes to Ann Arbor. Look for them to lose to an unexpected Big 10 foe too like Michigan St., Penn St., or Northwestern.

WISCONSIN CU transfer running back Brian Calhoun makes this offense go (258 yards in week 1 vs. Bowling Green), and that’s good because their offense was suspect last year and, truth be told, aside from Calhoun, it still is. This is Alvarez’ final season on the sidelines before he assumes the Athletic Director role as full-time job, but it looks like it could be a disappointing one for him. They end the season at Hawaii…and that’s usually where teams lose: on the Honolulu shores in November.

MINNESOTA: A tough team to read, I’m basically putting them in the middle of the pack because I’m playing it safe. These guys could challenge for the Big 11 title or they could stink up the Metrodome. It all depends on who comes to play. The point is that this team is wildly erratic which means that most likely there will be games where they look world beaters and games where they look like a JV squad (they started 5-0 in 2004 only to finish 7-5). If they can remain consistent and can ride RB Lawrence Maroney all year they’ll be golden (no pun intended). But history tells us that won’t happen.

NORTHWESTERN: This year is the key year in determining the success of Randy Walker’s rebuilding effort. Fans want another trip to the Rose Bowl, but that’s doubly unlikely this year considering that’s also the National Championship game. The Wildcats are, believe it or not, loaded with talent but are very green. That’s the problem. Then there’s the fact that this is Northwestern and ever predicting great success for them is liable to land prognosticators in the nut house. And I don’t plan on going back there anytime soon.

MICHIGAN STATE: Last year was very rough on coach Smith, whose wife was diagnosed with inoperable, terminal cancer (a second opinion at the Mayo Clinic confirmed it) and then months later when she went in to check on the cancer’s progress the doctors said, “Woops, made a mistake. Not terminal.” Huh? Well, that feeling describes the Spartans season in ’04: one big “Huh?” Now, Smith was a renewed focus on his family, the question remains how that will impact this team. In addition to a young defense they could also have a running back by committee this year. John L. Smith is a good coach, and he’ll get things on track. I just don’t see that happening this year.

INDIANA: A perennial bottom-feeder gets a proven winner (and Indiana native) as its head coach in Terry Hoeppner, who spent six seasons at the helm at Miami (Ohio) guiding them to, arguably, the best six-year stretch in the school’s yesterday. He also produced somebody by the name of Roethlisberger. The good news for this team, beyond that, is the fact that they return 18 starters (nine aside). Unfortunately they don’t seem to have the talent yet but Hoeppner’s presence alone is worth an extra 2–3 wins, and their nonconference slate only has one tough match up against Kentucky.

ILLINOIS: Ron Zook is a good coach. He simply had the misfortune of following a legend in Gainesville, and at Florida—with impatient fans, and boosters—he was doomed from the start: replacing the Fun ‘N Gun is a difficult task. Now he has the chance to prove himself in Champagne-Urbana. Like Hoeppner, his mere presence on the sideline will be worth a couple more W’s. The Illini should be a real solid team in a couple years, after all Zook can recruit talent. Unfortunately, his predecessor, Ron Turner, couldn’t so Zook won’t have much to work with this year.

NOTRE DAME: Charlie Weiss takes over a team that finished last year at .500. Of course, he also replaces Tyrone Willingham who was never given a fair shot at this job, but that’s another matter entirely. Contrary to popular belief the Irish were not terrible in ’04 and had some big wins, most notably over Michigan and Tennessee. They also had big losses (losing at BYU and getting blown out by USC among them). However, this team has talent, particularly in quarterback Brady Quinn who has the makings of the next great ND QB (keep in mind that Ron Powlus was considered one too). Charlie Weiss is a football mastermind who has embraced the tradition at Notre Dame and brought it roaring back to life, having former coaches and players (including Rudy) speak to the team about whom they represent. Of course, he also had Scotty Bowman speak to the team, but we’ll forgive him that. The Irish are well on their way back to dominance and you can expect at least a two-win improvement over last season.

NOTRE DAME PREDICTED RECORD: 8-3

Swiping a F---ing sign in a F---ing town

2005-08-29T21:54:00.000+08:00

If I didn't know better, I'd think this was an SNL skit.

"We will not stand for the F---ing signs being removed," the officer told the broadsheet. "It may be very amusing for you British, but F---ing is simply F---ing to us. What is this big F---ing joke? It is puerile."

Want to see the place for yourself? I highly recommend clicking here.

Smoking monkeys, dim-witted women, and Chinese shock troops

2005-08-27T22:46:00.000+08:00

It has indeed been quite some time since anything substantial has appeared on this space that wasn’t courtesy of my occasional partner in crime, the Sethel. I would offer a long, drawn-out explanation as to why, but let’s face it, life’s too short and you don’t really care. So with that in mind, I shall just dive headlong into another installment of randomness (you’ll notice I’ve eschewed many short posts in favor of longer, impromptu-style ones. Hope you don’t mind, dear reader).

• First the serious--or slightly serious--at least as it relates to one of my favorite subjects. This article is almost a year and a half old, but I was just pointed in its direction this week. Despite the delay, it offers an interesting look at one of the possible scenarios for the million man swim…one that involves very little swimming, coincidentally. Anyway, it’s all speculation, but fascinating speculation nonetheless—not to mention a great primer on some of the capabilities of the intelligence services and armed forces on both sides of the Taiwan Strait.

• Speaking of China, seems that tobacco products are a little more prevalent in the Middle Kingdom than even I imagined. Even the Chinese primates are hooked. Imagine the possibilities for enterprising lawyers out there! The animal rights movement meets the anti-tobacco lobby…ah, the possibilities.

• Moving south a bit, allow me to give a hip hip hooray to our friends the Aussies. Methinks something along these lines is long, long overdue in many parts of the Western world, specifically the United Kingdom. I, for one, am a big fan of this statement from Aussie Education Minister Brendan Nelson: “Basically, people who don't want to be Australians, and they don't want to live by Australian values and understand them, well then they can basically clear off.” I’m not sure I’d be so diplomatic as to leave it at “clear off”, but I share his general sentiments. Take that multiculturalism!

Seems her majesty’s kingdom could learn a thing or two from little brother.

• Three words: I knew it! To recycle an age-old bit of humor, we here at the Cage love the women’s movement…so ladies, put on something cute and move on into the kitchen.

There’s some hockey news to discuss, including Todd “Big, Dumb, Ugly” Bertuzzi’s reinstatement, the Pittsburgh/Chicago spending spree, Heatley flying the coop, and this monstrosity of a Team Canada uniform:

Alas, this shall have to wait for a bit. And the much-touted, highly-anticipated travel chronicles will be on the way one day, I swear. In the meantime, you all just keep on keeping on.

2005 College Football Preview: ACC

2005-08-24T12:17:00.001+08:00

By Big Bird's Cage contributor, the Sethel

The ACC is, without a doubt, one of the best, most competitive conferences in the country. It may even be the best top-to-bottom (though the SEC might have something to say about that), throw out the stinkers—Duke and Vanderbilt—and it’s a pretty tight race. 2005 sees the ACC welcome Boston College to its ranks, giving the conference 12 members, 2 divisions, and, of course, 1 title game. For some reason they decided to name their divisions Atlantic and Coastal, which exhibits an amazing amount of creativity on their part. If one were to really get nit-picky one could point out how, for example, Florida State is in the Atlantic division and not the Coastal, which is counterintuitive because, while they are on a coast, it isn’t the Atlantic. Then again, with the exception of Miami (and perhaps Virginia) none of the schools in the Coastal division are within 50 miles of a coastline. However you cut it the ACC is a power-conference, and if a team can somehow survive the brutal conference schedule with an unblemished record chances are they’ll be smelling roses. Now, because this conference is larger I’m going to try and keep my overviews shorter and more to the point (i.e., less work on my part), but the format remains the same: overviews followed by predicted order of finish.

ATLANTIC DIVISION

Boston College
Let me see if I have this straight: Boston College was in the Big East last year, a conference that was made weaker with the departures of Miami and Virginia Tech. They finished 9-3 overall, and 4-2 (second) in the conference. Their one non-conference loss was to Wake Forest, a middle-of-the-road ACC team. They lose their QB (and team MVP) Paul Peterson to graduation. And they still consider themselves a favorite to win the Atlantic Division? Is that about right? Crazily enough, if a few bounces go their way they will win the division. But that’s a big IF.

Realistically, they’ll experience a drop in production under new quarterback, senior Quinton Porter. However, he may have a lot of the pressure taken off his shoulders by the backfield. A featured back has not yet emerged but they do have 3 returning backs that each rushed for 110+ yards in a single game last season, and that doesn’t include Jeff Ross who began last season as the starter and returns this year. The other three backs are LV Whitworth, Andre Callander, and AJ Brooks, and all indications are that all 4 players have a fair shot at being #1 on the depth chart. The real key to this team though is Will Blackmon (Sr., 6’0”, 202) and finding where he fits in best, in other words does he help most as a DB or WR? Overall I see a disappointing year ahead for the Eagles, they could be good but I think that most of the teams in this conference are a step ahead in terms of development. Besides is Boston College ever as good as they’re supposed to be?

Clemson
Wait, wait, and let me guess: Tommy Bowden is on the hot seat? Man, how did I guess that!? Last year ended with 6 wins, and a declined bowl invitation due to a minor, little thing with South Carolina that made national headlines and led to multiple player suspensions. So the question coming into this year is: Can Bowden put it all together this year or not? Truthfully this is a team that, if it gels right and plays as well as they can, can challenge for a national title. The team is that good…on paper. They can, and they might, but I’m here to make predictions. And I predict that they will not.

Their new Offensive Coordinator, Rob Spence, comes from Toledo where offense was the name of the game. His job is to make Charlie Whitehurst a reliable leader and consistent quarterback. His success in that area will determine, more than any other factor, just how good this team is. Spence is Whitehurst’s third coordinator in five years so there’s no way he can be successful, right Jason Campbell? He is the same type of mobile QB as Campbell but that’s no indicator of success. However, they do return last year’s leading rusher (Reggie Merriweather) and senior Kyle Browning, but expect both to be pushed by true freshman James Davis, an All-American from Atlanta (and the highest-rated RB coming into college). And for Clemson fans that’s a good thing because no back has gained 1,000 yards since Travis Zachery in 2000. On the defensive side of the ball success depends on one position: the “Bandit,” which is a hybrid line position that requires the player to be mobile (either rushing the QB or dropping back into pass coverage). Jr. Gaines Adams (6’5”, 265) is the starter, but he was pushed by redshirt freshman Cortney Vincent (6’1”, 235) who played RB and LB in high school and has shown great aptitude in learning this new position.

As for their outlook let me say this: Little Tommy will finally find a way to beat his father this year, and that will save his job.

Florida State
I only need one word to describe the Seminoles this year: overrated. And two words to describe their QB Wyatt Sexton: fucking NUTS! Yes, it’s true their quarterback is crazier than Craig Sheffer’s character in The Program, and yes, he’s not their only question mark on offense (assuming he can the throw the ball who will catch it?), but remember this is Florida St. They’ve had shit offenses before and won national titles on the strength of two areas: running attack and defense. This year they have both those in spades.

Their defense should be one of the best (if not the best) in the nation, or at least they were after spring ball. Then came summer and, er, “losses” to key players (read: they got suspended for doin’ illegal stuff…totally unheard of under Bobby Bowden by the way). The D will still be good, but it won’t be enough to carry them. Luckily they have RB’s Leon Washington—whose 95.1 ypg. led the ACC—and Lorenzo Booker. And, in the words of Ray Charles, they gon’ make it do what it do, baby! The question on offense (other than, has Wyatt taken his medication today?) will be can senior wideout Willie Reid step up and lead this unit? He’ll have to, he’s the only senior in the WR corps, though junior Chris Davis had the best yards-per-catch (16.3) of any returning receiver. Oh, and one other thing: Which player has the funniest (or worst, depending on your point-of-view) name in college football? That distinction has to belong to sophomore WR De’Cody Fagg…that’s gotta get rough in the locker room (no pun intended).

Maryland
2004 was the first losing season under The Fridge, a.k.a. Ralph Friedgen; he’s been the coach at Maryland for four years and he’s accumulated 14 losses, 6 of which came last year. My point? Don’t expect a repeat performance. They had internal problems with lazy players who lacked leadership; thankfully, graduation solved that problem. Fridge notes the improvement in his team’s attitude this year as a reason for Terps fans to get excited. “Football wasn’t fun last year for these kids” and it should be, he said. Which is why their practices have been laced with pick-up basketball games, dunk contests, end-zone dances, etc.

The Terrapins have two big issues facing them in ’05. 1) Turn around a team that had –9 turnover margin last year. Having a more energetic and aggressive defense should help this but you won’t see much improvement here unless they can improve on the next point. 2) The offense needs to be consistent, in a good way. Last year they consistently gave the ball away. Jr. QB Joel Statham started 10 games and threw 15 picks, while Sam Hollenbach started the final game (a 13–7 win over Wake Forest) and threw 0 interceptions. Statham is well liked in the locker room, a respected leader, and he has serious skills, but if he’s going to be the starter for this team he needs to be much more efficient. Running back will see a balanced attack between north-south power with senior Mario Merrills (5’10”, 202) and shiftiness with sophomore Keon Lattimore (5’11”, 226), who also happens to be Ray “I Didn’t Murder Nobody” Lewis’s brother. JoJo Walker has emerged as the deep threat at receiver and he is a vocal team leader. If these guy’s can make this offense more efficient we can expect good things in Terp Country in ’05.

North Carolina State
Jekyll and Hyde. That’s the most apt description of this program. Jekyll: 20-20 ACC record under Chuck Amato (doesn’t sound great but consider this is NC St.), #1 rated Defense last year, offensively out-gained all 11 opponents. Hyde: 5-6 record last year, breaking in 4th new Offensive Coordinator in 6 years, in 6 losses average over 100 yards more than opponents, one of the most penalized teams in ’04, -17 TO margin ranked 114th. So, is this a shaky program or was that a transitional year? Should Chuck Amato be on the hot seat? This year will answer both those questions.

Defensively you can expect a slight drop off from last year since they lost 5 starters to graduation, but they won’t slip too far because they have a lot of talent and their D-Coordinator is solid. Offense. Quarterback Jay Davis heads into the season as the starter but how long he remains in that role depends on one thing: interceptions. He’s got skills, and decent numbers, but so far he’s been far too erratic to be considered reliable. Time in the backfield will be split by two sophomores: Bobby Washington (129 yds. in the Spring Game), and Darrell Blackman (who was the #3 rated RB coming out of high school). At WR, after the off-season dismissal of Richard Washington, Tramain Hall (5’10”, 190) will need to step up and be the leader of this corps, or Jay Davis erratic behavior will only be half of the problem.

Wake Forest
Ah the Demon Deacons, the little-school-with-the-oxymoronic-name-that-could. Kind of. Give them credit, for such a small school they have a hell of an athletics department. Last year’s team was inexperienced and still managed to take 7 games down to the wire. The bad news? They only won one of those games; they lost two in OT and 4 by a TD or less. The good news: experience wins those kinds of games. Experience they now have. This is a team with heavy sleeper potential; however, they do play in one of the toughest conferences in the country. In short, this is a tough team to read.

Last year’s offense ranked 109th, this season sophomore QB Ben Mauk gets the starting nod over senior Cory Randolph. They have several promising players on a squad that returns 15 starters, including: LB Jonathan Abbate (4th in ACC in tackles in ’04), and RB Chris Barclay (907 yds. away from being the Deacons all-time leading rusher). If this team can pull it together and win a few matches that they’re not supposed to they could wind up in the ACC title game. But, I think, at the very least they are a solid bowl team.

COASTAL DIVISION

Duke
Do I really need to spend two paragraphs talking about Duke? No. They were 2-9 last year, but they do return 7 starters on each side of the ball…but is that a good thing when they only managed two wins last year? Well, one win was a good one, beating Clemson 16-13. Coach Ted Roof is in his third year and he’s getting aggressive, making a serious attempt to improve the offense (he fired the two most important O coaches). The new Friedgen-style offense puts the responsibility in the hands of QB Mike Schneider, which won’t help unless the O-line learns how to protect (gave up an ACC-high 39 sacks). The biggest positive for this team: they have one of the top cover corners in the conference in junior John Talley. But, let’s face it, Duke and football don’t go together: with 9 potential starters unavailable for spring drills they didn’t have enough players for a spring game. Expect a slight improvement this year thanks to a softer NC schedule.

Georgia Tech
Now, for the most cheese ball line of the entire article: The Yellow Jackets are buzzing about a return to the top of the conference hive in ’05. However, not only are they in the ACC, but also they’re in the tougher division. They also have some losses to overcome: they return only 5 starters on offense, All-ACC S James Butler is gone, DT Darryl Richard is out with a knee injury, and DE Travis Parker is, apparently, the victim of stupidity as he is academically ineligible. But, as Normal Mailer says, stupidity is the American disease. That’s three key subtractions from a defense that was 12th in the nation last year. The good news is all other 8 starters do return for the Ramblin’ Wreck.

On offense Jr. QB Reggie Ball has serious, Michael Vick-style game breaking skills…but (and, boy ain’t this the case with most returning QB’s this year) he’s not consistent. His consistency was the focus of off-season workouts, but we’ll see how well those worked out (couldn’t resist the pun) once the season starts. Bottom line: The D may slip but they’ll still be scary good. This team will only go as far as Reggie can take them. Considering their schedule for a moment though may give you an insight into how far that is: they’ve lost their last 3 to Georgia (but they do get them at home this year), and Tech lost to 4 of the 5 teams that now make up the Coastal Division in ’04, and they get the distinct displeasure of facing VaTech, Miami, and Virginia ALL ON THE ROAD. Ouch.

Miami
Miami was 9-3 last year and some claim they suffered from ACC shell shock seeing as how the ACC is a considerably tougher conference than the BEast. Funny thing is it didn’t seem to affect Virginia Tech much. I think the more pressing statistic is this: Larry Coker’s losses have increased each season he’s been the head coach, from 0 in his first year, to 1 in ’02, 2 in ’03, and 3 in ’04. Can we expect 4 losses in ’05? It seems the more of his players he brings in the more he loses. Of course, Butch Davis did a phenomenal recruiting job…in a four-year span there were more players drafted by the NFL from Miami than any other school in history. So, maybe expectations have risen a little. And the team was devastated by injuries last year. This year’s team sets out to prove that last year was a fluke, not an increasing and disturbing trend (for Miami fans).

They return 9 starters on defense and Willie Williams is back at RB, which means that, ironically, their biggest question is who can replace their biggest disappointment: Brock Berlin. The answer? Sophomore Kyle Wright (6’5”, 208) from Danville, CA. He was the top-ranked QB coming out of high school three years ago. Then again Ryan Clement was the highest rated QB in the nation (from my alma mater no less), he went to Miami, look how he turned out. Don’t remember him? Exactly. But, according to scouts, this guy’s got all the tools; my point is you just never know until you put them in the game. If Wright can perform better than Berlin (a difficult task I know) then Miami should be able to wright the ship (another terrible pun, what’s gotten into me lately?).

North Carolina
I’ll come right out and say that this is the team I’m rooting for as the big surprise of the year. Not because I think they’ll do it but because Marvin Sanders is their new Defensive Coordinator. I had the pleasure of meeting Sanders once while he was DB’s coach at CSU, and he’s a good guy (I actually was doing shots with him at Zydeco’s). So I’d like to see him succeed here (after CSU he was defensive backs coach for Nebraska and then the St. Louis Rams). And they need a new D coordinator after allowing 31.8 pts and 446.5 ypg. last year. On the plus side they did manage to finish third in the ACC despite that. Signs point to a more aggressive, hungrier, wilder defense than Tar Heel fans saw last year. During the spring game they were hitting their own guys like Lawrence Phillips hits his girlfriends.

As for the offense, UNC has probably the best, and most experienced, WR corps in the conference, including Jesse Holley (6’3”, 190) who was a two-sport star until they won the national title in basketball after which he gave up b-ball to focus on hitting his routes. UNC also had the second-best running game in the ACC last year, and junior Ronnie McGill is a star—when he’s healthy. He’s missed a lot of games the past couple of years, and because of a rare blood disorder he tires easily. They also have bruiser Barrington Edwards (6’, 210) a transfer from LSU who will push McGill for PT immediately, and will be a big-time back for this program. But there have to be problems right? Right. New quarterback, the upside is he’s a senior and he understands the offense. The possible downside? If Matt Baker’s so good how come he couldn’t see action before his final year. I think that has more to do with their old quarterback than with him, personally. Baker has a great arm, good size (6’3”, 210), and he threw for 171 in the 4th quarter last year in a loss to Virginia. The other problem? Three key players were suspended for an off-field incident involving the sticky-icky (a.k.a., weed). But, with the guys they have, if they stay healthy, play up to their level, and manage a win at Louisville, we could be talking Cinderella here.

Virginia
Al Groh’s done wonders with this team and, despite losing a lot of seniors, and big play guys, Virginia should still be a force to reckon with. They only return 6 starters aside, and among those losses are: 2 of front 3 on defense (UVA runs a pro-style 3-4), LB Darryl Blackstock, both starting safeties, two new interior linemen, offense’s leading rusher, and top three receivers (including Heath Miller). And 10 players missed spring practice with injuries. Yikes, right? Not so fast, my friend! (What? It’s college football, you knew it was coming!) Their current crop of healthy, inexperienced talent has NFL scouts drooling. And they have senior QB Marques Hagans (5’10”, 211). Not much was said about him last year, which isn’t surprising considering he only led the ACC in completion percentage, threw for 2,024 yards, and finished second in pass efficiency. Hagans is quick, especially out of the pocket, and he will make stars out of the young receivers. At RB they lose Alvin Pearman but Sr. Wali Lundy had 864 yds. (173 less than Pearman) and 17 TD’s in ’04. And speed demon Michael Johnson (fitting name) will spell Lundy this year. Defensively, sophomore Chris Long (6’4”, 265)—the son of Howie Long—came up big in the spring game and he will need to be the anchor on the line this year considering how young the line is he probably has as much football knowledge as any of the coaches…remember, before Howie went soft and trotted off to Radio Shack with a Desperate Housewife, he was one of the most feared linemen in the NFL.

Virginia Tech
Every Hokie fan is nervously anticipating this season for one reason: the return of Vick. No, not Michael. The return of the fuck-up, Marcus! The 2004 squad was unknown, inexperienced, and had been hit hard by graduation, and all they did was make the Sugar Bowl. It also means they’re a year ahead of most teams I’ve reviewed so far. Coming into this season they are a prohibitive national title contender, but they do have questions on defense. They only return 6 starters on that side but…well, it’s a Frank Beamer defense, is anyone really that concerned? Didn’t think so.

The bottom line is this team has only gotten better from last year’s squad that went 10-3 and 7-1 in the ACC. They do return 8 starters on offense so even if Vick stumbles at times, they should be able to carry him. If he’s half as good as his brother (and he has comparable skills), and can show some maturity, they’ll be in the hunt for the Rose Bowl.

Division Rankings (parentheses denote conference record, division record)

ATLANTIC DIVISION
NC State...................8-3 (5-3. 4-1)
Maryland..................8-3 (6-2, 3-2)
Clemson...................7-4 (4-4, 2-3)
Wake Forest..............7-4 (4-4, 2-3)
Florida State.............6-5 (3-5, 2-3)
Boston College.........5-6 (3-5, 2-3)

COASTAL DIVISION
Virginia Tech..........10-1 (7-1, 4-1)
Miami.......................9-2 (6-2, 3-2)
Virginia....................8-3 (5-3, 3-2)
Georgia Tech............7-4 (5-3, 3-2)
North Carolina..........6-5 (4-4, 2-3)
Duke ........................3-8 (1-7, 0-5)

ACC TITLE GAME:
Virginia Tech defeats NC State

----------
EDITOR'S NOTE: The Sethel is a movie connoisseur, artistic mercenary in the cut-throat advertising business, and a lover of women the world over. When he's not plotting a takeover of Hollywood, he enjoys long walks on the beach, sunets, puppy dogs, and keg stands. Fan mail and donations (in the form of full frontal nudity -- women only) are welcome.

2005 College Football Preview: Big East

2005-08-24T12:07:00.000+08:00

By Big Bird's Cage contributor, the Sethel

The Big East (or, as I’ll refer to it through most of the article—somewhat ironically—the BEast) has gone through a lot of changes the past couple of years. First they lose perennial powerhouses Miami, Virginia Tech, and, ahem, Boston College to the ACC. Then they have to weather talk of whether or not they should still be considered a BCS conference. The talk no doubt infuriated member schools, particularly Pittsburgh, Syracuse, and West Virginia. But let’s state it plainly: Had they not recruited Louisville to their ranks the argument that the BEast is still a viable BCS conference simply would not hold water. As it stands, however, Louisville (i.e., the team that led the nation in Total Offense and Scoring Offense last year) comes in as the prohibitive favorite to win the conference. While it may still be argued whether or not the BEast is a BCS conference, one thing is certain: this is going to be a competitive conference. True, there are only a couple of schools here that really have proven they belong in a BCS game; there are still a lot of bowl-potential teams. So, we’re going to start off the preview with a quick overview of each team and finish it up with my predicted order of finish in the conference.

Cincinnati
This program benefits from either geography; affiliation with Louisville (both were in C-USA last year); rich donors (money’s being dumped into the football program like it’s a government slush fund), or, perhaps, a combination of all three. The Bearcats have gone from nobody to somebody, or at least nobody-in-a-somebody conference, in record time. They have promising young coach, Mike Dantoni, entering his second season with the program, and are coming off a victory over Marshall in the Fort Worth Bowl. However, they must break in a new quarterback, redshirt freshman Dustin Grutza (6-3, 200) is the top candidate to replace Gudiugli, and they’re now in a tougher conference. And they’re a young team, returning only six starters (three on each side of the ball).

So, while Dantoni has impressive credentials (apprenticed under Nick Saban and Jim Tressel, including being the D-Coordinator at Ohio St. in their national championship year), this year looks to be a struggle. Bright days are ahead for this program to be sure, they’ll challenge for the conference crown in the next two years. However, this year will be a struggle as their players gain experience through a tough schedule that includes visiting Miami (OHIO) who will look for revenge after being spanked last year, and an early trip to visit Joe Pa at Penn St. True, the Nittany Lions aren’t what they used to be, but they are hungry, and desperate, for a winning season, and an early victory over a team from the BEast would be a big confidence boost to them. Don’t look for Cincinnati to have a winning record this year, as this looks to be a season full of growing pains, but in two years watch out. By then they could be a Top Ten team.

Connecticut
No program has experienced a more meteoric rise through the ranks of D-1 than the Huskies. Since moving up from 1-AA they’ve improved by leaps and bounds each season. Last season they were 8-4, culminating with a victory over Toledo in the Motor City Bowl. They’ve won 21 of their last 28 games. They led the BEast last year in total offense and total defense, and they have the conference’s leading rusher in Cornell Brockington. What does all this mean? They’re hitting a plateau, as every team trying to take it to the next level eventually hits, and they’ll have to overcome this hurdle before they can win the conference. They could do it this year but it’s doubtful that they’ll finish ahead of either Louisville or Pittsburgh.

While they do return thirteen starters, including seven on offense, they have a new quarterback at the helm after losing record-setting Orlovsky to the NFL, and they have a corps of young, inexperienced wide receivers. They have a favorable non-conference schedule; outside of a trip to Atlanta to face the Yellow Jackets they face Buffalo, Liberty, and Army. The Huskies will be a great team, especially once you factor in the intangible of having a winning-tradition like U-Conn does, but with the challenges they face this year, and two strong, experienced teams vying for the conference crown, I look to them to improve on last year’s win total by one, and finish third.

Louisville
Let me start by saying this: Louisville fans are rabid. True, I despise their simple chants (especially the one where the spell out C-A-R-D…not only can they not be bothered to spell the whole nickname, they don’t even pluralize!), but you can’t really fault them. They are from Kentucky after all. Point being, I love a school with enthusiastic fans. But what, oh what, will happen to the Cards this year? They lost a school-record six players to the NFL, including superstar QB Stefan LaFors. Because of this most people are quick to count them out, especially being in a tougher conference this year. But consider this: Their head coach Bobby Petrino is an offensive genius who has compiled a 20-5 record in his first two years at the school. They led the nation in total offense, scoring offense, and set an NCAA record by scoring 50 or more points in five consecutive games. Now consider that they lost their QB, top two RB’s, and their top WR to the NFL and they should be in trouble, right?

Not really. The year before they had a prolific offense as well, following that season they lost their QB, and leader, Dave Ragone to the NFL as well as their top WR. So, they should’ve struggled last season. This year QB Brian Brohm steps in and he seems ready to lead the way. One reporter even rattled off a set of “hypothetical” statistics to Brohm and asked if that would succeed in Petrino’s offense. His response? “Those stats would get you benched. This offense is all about consistency.” Those hypothetical stats? Jim Plunkett’s stats from his Heisman year at Stanford, widely considered one of the best years ever by a college QB. So, while there are a lot of unknowns about this year’s offense a couple of things are known. 1) They do return 12 starters (seven on offense and 5 on defense) and 2) their defense is underrated, or overshadowed by its offense. Louisville ranked 15th in total D last year, and while they do insert six new guys into that lineup most of them are returning lettermen. Louisville is beyond the chapter of a program’s evolution where they have to rebuild. They simply reload. And if the weapons they’ve reloaded with or as potent as last years then it won’t matter what conference they’re in.

Pittsburgh
The Panthers faced a host of criticism last year. They won the BEast title by mistake, winning it only because BC and W. Virginia stumbled. They were an unworthy opponent for Utah, who deserved better competition to show just how well the mid-majors belonged. And on top of all that their head coach Walt Harris bolts for Stanford. Well, they’re out to prove people wrong this year. They bring in Pittsburgh-native Dave Wannstedt as head coach. While his NFL record is spotty, at best, he does bring in a lot of enthusiasm and many of his former players in the NFL had said he was a better teacher and mentor than drill-sergeant-style coach. In other words, he’s perfectly suited for college ball. And, if he follows in the footsteps of Pete Carroll and Urban Meyer, Pittsburgh will be in good shape.

After all they return sixteen starters including QB Tyler Palko (who some have called the best Pitt QB since Marino). And Matt Cavanaugh comes in as Offensive Coordinator (he was OC at Baltimore last year). Their NC slate is pretty balanced: outings against Notre Dame and a visit to Nebraska are off set by cupcakes Ohio and Youngstown St. I feel that this team with their experience, some promising young players, and a new coach who embraces the Pitt tradition and wants to be there (rumors have it that Harris was angling for the Stanford job for a couple years), will be even better than last year’s squad. The key for them will be consistency. If this team can remain steady and consistent all year long, they may be booking a trip back to the BCS in January. Game to watch? First game of the season against Notre Dame, worth watching as much for the coaches (Wannstedt and Weiss) as the players.

Rutgers
HA!

OK, I’m sorry. I should give Rutgers more respect. It just seems like no matter what they do they can’t win. They have a good young coach who’s committed to the program. Money’s coming in like never before as they make huge improvements to the stadium and athletic facilities. And they had the sixth best passing attack in the nation last year! So, what’s with the 4-7 record? Two things: 1) Inexperience and 2) defense, or lack thereof. Through the final five games of last year (all losses) their defense performed an interpretive rendition of a two-dollar hooker on two-for-one Tuesdays: they were always open and constantly getting scored on. It was just ugly.

But this is the most experienced squad in Schiano’s time as coach, returning nine starters on offense and eight on defense (though I’m not entirely positive that’s a good thing). Schiano takes over as D-Coord. in an attempt to rehab their hooker tendencies. Bottom line? This is a time when hope springs eternal for football teams, and their fans, and while I am a fan of the underdog and would love to see Rutgers succeed, I have to be honest and say they will finish one win shy of being bowl eligible (for the second time in three seasons) and in second-to-last place in the conference.

Syracuse
They have a new coach in former Longhorns defensive guru Greg Robinson (UT’s squad ranked 18th last year under him), and he takes on double duty as he will also be the defensive coach for the Orange. They’ve also replaced the turf in the Carrier Dome and gone to FieldTurf. That should not only make their players more comfortable at home, but it should help in recruiting as well.

The Orange are trying to recover from an up-and-down 6-6 season last year that ended with a loss to Georgia Tech in the Citrus Bowl. They return 14 starters, and a lot of lettermen, and they have confidence strangely enough. I mean it is odd for a .500 team that loses 8 starters to come in the following season with a new coach and be as cocky as these guys. Whether or not that’s a good thing remains to be seen. One thing I do know is that their NC schedule does them no favors (except for Buffalo); they face Virginia at home and have to travel to Notre Dame and Florida State. This is a transition year for the Orange, and will likely lead to a mediocre record, but if a couple of breaks and bounces go their way they could end up with a really good record.

South Florida
As a fan whose own team is one of those mid-majors that’s constantly struggling to make it to the next level South Florida is a team that just pisses me off. Honestly. They were 4-7 in Conference USA last year, haven’t done shit since moving up to I-A, and now they’re in a BCS conference? Talk about sunshine and a dog’s behind.

Last year saw them lose six of their last eight games including spankings to Louisville, Cincinnati, and Pittsburgh. They do return 17 starters for their most experienced and talented team since joining the top division. However, “most talented” is relative when you’re talking about South Florida and being in the BEast. This most talented squad will lead them to an identical record as last year’s, but considering they moved up a conference, that could be considered a success.

West Virginia
Ouch.

Not only did they end last year with three losses, but they also lost a lot of talent on both sides of the ball. This team is INEXPERIENCED, so much so that I felt the need to put it all in caps, especially on defense (where last year’s playmaker Adam “Pacman” Jones is now a holdout with the Tennessee Titans). Remember what I said about Louisville only reloading, not rebuilding? Well reverse that for the Mountaineers. These guys are rebuilding. They’ll be able to challenge for the Big East crown soon (maybe even next year), but definitely not this year. With a schedule that includes Maryland and Virginia Tech, and an opening day trek to the Carrier Dome, don’t look for much from Morgantown this year.

Predicted Rankings
Below is my predicted order of finish for the Big East with each teams overall record, and conference record (in parentheses).

1. Louisville...............10-1 (6-1)
2. Pittsburgh...............9-2 (6-1)
3. UConn.....................8-3 (5-2)
4. Syracuse..................6-5 (4-3)
5. West Virginia ...........6-5 (3-4)
6. South Florida...........4-7 (2-5)
7. Rutgers ...................5-6 (2-5)
8. Cincinnati................3-8 (0-7)

----------
EDITOR'S NOTE: The Sethel is a movie connoisseur, artistic mercenary in the cut-throat advertising business, and a lover of women the world over. When he's not plotting a takeover of Hollywood, he enjoys long walks on the beach, sunets, puppy dogs, and keg stands. Fan mail and donations (in the form of full frontal nudity -- women only) are welcome.

College Football Preview Series

2005-08-24T11:55:00.000+08:00

Hello again one and all. Please forgive my extended absence, but being the international traveler that I am, I have been busy galavanting across the globe. Alas, I have settled down in a manner of speaking, if only for a few weeks, and am pleased to bring you a new feature here at the Cage.

Many of you are aware of our annual tradition of offering the world's finest Stanley Cup playoff predictions, thus you were no doubt crushed beyond all belief when the assbags that be over at the NHL lost last season to a labor dispute. But I digress...

I must admit that when it comes to college football, I'm about as smooth as a high schooler at his first after prom party. In other words, I wouldn't even get past the bra without some significant help. Fortunately, the Sethel's around to provide it, and thanks to collaborative efforts with him, we're offering a new feature to all the college football lovers out there. Think of us as a nudie bar that's bringing in some new talent, if you will. And the double D's on display here? Well, they're some sneak peeks on what to expect from the the Big East, the ACC, the SEC, the Big 10, Big 12, Pac-10, and Mountain West.

So today it's my pleasure to give you the first two of the series. Stay tuned for more.

Peter the Not-So-Great-Decision-Maker

2005-08-04T20:40:00.000+08:00

I suspect that many of my friends from the land of the cheese steak are licking their chops (and each other...after all, it ain't called the City of Brotherly Love for nothing) in anticipation of a Big Bird verbal tirade regarding the tragedy that is Peter Forsberg signing with those lovable bunch of assbags, the Philadelphia Flyers. And while I'd be curious to rehash the old "who's the best player in the world" argument with them now that Forsberg is in their corner and Lindros is little more than a walking vegetable, any self-satisfaction I would derive from it is far, far overshadowed by the painful reality that, for the next two years, Peter Forsberg will be playing under the stellar guidance of that offensive mastermind, Ken "Whale of a Game" Hitchcock. But regardless, I am going to refrain from cursing the hockey gods, unloading on Forsberg, Lacroix, Clarke, HitchCOCK, and the rest, and instead share a bit of glass is half full wisdom to be gleaned from all of this.

Perhaps now that the stars have realigned for Philly, they will actually be able to hold down their end of the bargain and make the dream of an Avs-Flyers Stanley Cup Finals showdown a reality. For some time now I have waited for this dream matchup, not only because of the delicious amounts of trash talking that would be flying back and forth between myself and my Philly-based friends, but also because few things are as fun to watch as Ken Hitchcock in a huff. My team did its part in the off season, unloading that no-talent assclown, Tonya Granasshole. Sure, the loss of two of the Avs' plethora of Olympian/All Stars doesn't help the cause, but I expect the organizational depth at both positions to fill in the gaps quite nicely as always.

No, my only concern remains with the roster over there in Flyer Land. Is this not the team that has struggled for years with big, dumb, slow, defensemen who are unable to move the puck? Could someone please explain, then, the rationale behind signing three more of them, two to rather monster contracts? Pitkanen's still a young buck and Desjardin's an old fogey, so who's going to get the puck up to those forwards? I'm curious if my Philly brethren were as dumbfounded by the Hatcher and Rathje signings as I was.

Next, due to my lack of knowledge about the club, I'm throwing this out there: who is going to play on lines 2-4 for the Flyers? It occurs to me that unless a couple of 20 year old kids step up, they're not going to be getting many goals from anyone other than their first line. Yes, yes, Richards and Carter had huge years in the AHL and so on and so forth, but my question is, are the Flyers pinning their second line hopes on these guys, or is there someone besides Donald Brashear up their sleeve that I just don't know about? While I have no doubt there is unlimited untapped potential yet to be seen from Branko Radivojevic, I can't quite wrap my head around how they're going to get three productive lines out of what remains. But, as I said, I'm not especially well-versed on the intricacies of the Philadelphia roster, and a year off from hockey has only made me even more rusty, so would someone please fill me in on what the makeup of this team is going to be?

Finally, let me just say that at the end of the day, Roenick seems to have been one very classy guy about this whole thing. Telling the GM that if he's got a shot to get Forsberg, he should go for it and just trade Roenick? I've heard of putting the team first, but damn! That's well played and deserving of free beers and cheese steaks for life in the city of Philadelphia I'd say.

Taking Back Hollywood

2005-08-04T11:03:00.000+08:00

TAKING BACK HOLLYWOOD
by the Sethel
I hope the message is getting through loud and clear to the Hollywood suits. And if it’s not, if they’re still wondering why the box office is down (which is a completely relative statistic, by the way), or why their big budget films aren’t flying to the top spot in the weekly money-rankings, well then they need to be fired for both lack of artistic taste and complete stupidity.

What message am I referring to? Why the one that us, the movie going public, have sent them by not turning out in droves for the mindless summer drivel they’ve been producing. It would seem we finally wised up to their tricks, and are tired of being disappointed every year when the temperatures start to rise. There are still good, smart, action blockbusters from Lord of the Rings, to Harry Potter, to Sin City. But there is one thing that unites those movies and separates them from the rest of the filth: they were not released during the summer. I have a sneaking suspicion that the reason for this is that there are some smart people in the studios who decided these films should not get lost among the brain-numbing plotless-action of a Michael Bay film or the cliché-driven action-comedy (still plotless) of a Brett Ratner film.

War of the Worlds opened at #1, the biggest opening of Tom Cruise’s career. And then what happened to it? Well, people went and saw it, realized it was a horrible misfire, talked about it and stopped others from making the same mistake. The proof is in the pudding:
Days 1–3 of Release—$80 million
Days 4-28 of Release—$128 millionFor a film that cost $120 million to make that’s a failure, not to mention a huge drop-off in earnings after the opening weekend.

What have we seen the past two weeks? We’ve seen big budget films The Island, Bad News Bears, and Stealth stagger out of the gate. None of them finishing higher than fourth. And that’s opening weekend, when the blockbusters are supposed to make all their money (see War of the Worlds above)!

For the last three weeks the top two spots have been occupied by the same movies (flip-flopping spots this last weekend), and I don’t remember the last time that happened during a summer movie season. The reason? Well, I’ve seen them both and, if I could be allowed to speculate: THEY’RE GOOD, PERIOD. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Wedding Crashers are fun, funny, smart films that are not the typical summer fare.

In addition to that independent darling Hustle & Flow; documentaries March of the Penguins, and Murderball, and Rob Zombie-murder-fest The Devil’s Rejects have all done surprisingly well (look at the per theater average and see just how well), and that’s another strong indicator that people are finally fed-up with Hollywood.

One of the problems Hollywood has is that they look at the overall box office score rather than the per theater average, but it’s the per-theater average that tells you how popular your movie really is. As a matter of fact for the past two weeks the Top 5 of the Box Office if they were figured on a per-theater average rather than total gross would look like this:

Monday, July 25
1) Wedding Crashers $8, 957
2) Hustle & Flow $7,996
3) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory $7,467
4) March of the Penguins $6,187
5) The Devil’s Rejects $3,984

Monday, August 1
1) Wedding Crashers $6,757
2) March of the Penguins $5,309
3) Must Love Dogs $5,209
4) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory $4,340
5) Hustle & Flow $3,940

Notice something missing? Like, say, any action films. Where’s The Island, Stealth, War of the Worlds, Fantastic Four? People, by and large, are sick of those movies. They want something with content. An action movie can have content and be good, but these don’t, and movie goers are getting more savvy at determining the good from the bad before they plop down $10 for a ticket.
Studios must take note of this right? Let’s hope so. We are, after all, talking about one of the most poorly run industries in the world. Any other industry that had to spend $7 billion a year in order to make $9 billion (i.e., a $2 billion net) would undergo a serious overhaul. But not Hollywood! But at least the message is finally being sent out, and I no longer feel like I’m the only person not drinking the crazy juice at a Hollywood mixer. And I’m happy about that, I only hope the message is being received.

----------
EDITOR'S NOTE: The Sethel is a movie connoisseur, artistic mercenary in the cut-throat advertising business, and a lover of women the world over. When he's not plotting a takeover of Hollywood, he enjoys long walks on the beach, sunets, puppy dogs, and keg stands. Fan mail and donations (in the form of full frontal nudity -- women only) are welcome.

Okay, not so soon...

2005-08-04T10:42:00.000+08:00

I must confess, we're still working around the clock here at the Cage offices to finish up the literary masterwork that is the tale of the Big Bird's migration across Asia. Needless to say it involves danger, international intrigue, money, exotic locales, and of course, sluts. But that shall have to wait for now...probably until my 13 hour flight across the Pacific to be more exact. In the meantime, I bring to you, courtesy of the Sethel (or as we refer to him around these parts, the Word Slinger), some nuggets of wisdom on the current state of Hollywood trash...uh, I mean movies.

So as to provide my loyal readers with a little background, I used to be quite the movie buff. I caught most new movies in the theater and was a little over the top with my ability to reference movie quotes. That's all dead now, thanks to my relocation across the ocean, but even in the salad days, the Sethel was the movie guru to whom I turned. He was the Chazz Reingold to my Jeremy Grey. Well, now I'm totally out of the loop, but he remains the master.

Thus, with little to no further adieu, I present the wise words of the master. Enjoy.

Coming Soon: The Chronicles of Big Bird

2005-07-20T14:50:00.000+08:00

You probably hadn't noticed, but the space between the present time and my previous post is nearly big enough to squeeze a Vaseline-covered, donut double-fisting Rosie O'Donnell through. (Sorry for the horrifying visual, but I needed to get the point across)

The offices here at The Cage have laid fallow for quite some time, as my staff and I have been busy going to and fro across this crazy continent of Asia. Fortunately, there are entertaining tales to be told, many with photographic accompaniment. The neon clothes-wearing Condomania Shibuya Girls in Tokyo, the Russian greaseball and his Thai prostitue sexual partner (I use the ambiguous, non-gender specific term "partner" because let's face it, in Thailand, one can never really be sure), the spanex-weilding Darth Vader look alike in Asukasa, oh the list goes on.

Thus, I hope to have The Chronicles of Big Bird: the Caucasian Asian Invasion posted soon enough for one and all to enjoy. Screw the Harry Potter nonsense; this is where it's at. Soon, my friends. Very soon.

Stay tuned...

Hockey Night in China

2005-06-01T22:43:00.000+08:00

I'll be away from the Cage for a bit, although I doubt anyone would've noticed if I didn't mention it. However, before I depart, I'll leave you with some reading for the weekend. A fascinating look at hockey in mainland China, courtesy of Islanders GM Mike Milbury.

Now I'm not going to be one of those people who says "how can NHLers be complaining about their millions while Chinese players play for the love of the game and nothing more", largely because it's apples and oranges. But, that being said, how can NHLers be complaining about their millions while Chinese players play for the love of the game and nothing more?

Okay, okay, not as simple as that. Interesting read nonetheless.

The eeeevil Devils

2005-05-31T18:47:00.000+08:00

Given the wealth of stupidity to emerge from the world of NHL hockey recently, to brand this story as the dumbest bit of hockey news of the past few months is really saying something.

State Assemblyman Craig Stanley is taking issue with a satanic symbol representing the [New Jersey Devils], which has won three Stanley Cup championships...

"I've always cringed when people say they're going to see the Devils," Stanley said. "The merchandise, the paraphernalia is based on the actual demonic devil. Personally, it causes a little bit of an issue with me."

Umm, let me try to put this diplomatically: tough shit, Craig. This just about as gay as the renaming of the Washington Bullets in 1997.

Then again, maybe I just need to be a little more sensitive. I mean, if a professional sports franchise's name offends the delicate sensibilities of a state assemblyman (assemblyman...so reflective if the sexism inherent in our male-dominated rape culture, don't you think?), then we really should pull out all the stops to make sure that we find a more friendly name, one that everyone can enjoy without emotional distress. So I propose the following name changes:

Phoenix Suns to Phoenix Butterflies - Not only is the sun the cause of skin cancer worldwide, but this name change will also improve butterfly awareness. They have rights, too.

Colorado Avalanche to Rocky Mountain Snowflakes - Avalanches are responsible for dozens of deaths each year, making this moniker extremely insensitive to victims of such disasters. Moreover, the use of "Colorado" is awfully exclusionary, as this really should be a team for the entire Rocky Mountain region to root for. And what better symbol to cheer for than the wonderfully unique snowflake?

Oakland Raiders to Oakland Humanitarian Aid Workers - The whole Raiders logo and concept promotes pirate-like behavior. While we should be inclusive of the "alternative consumer lifestyle" of pirates, I think it even better to hold up the example of the international humanitarian relief worker as something to aspire to.

Oakland Athletics to the Oakland Best Efforts - I'm not picking on Oakland here, just trying to help out. It occurs to me that it's not a good message for our children to suggest that only "athletic" people have a place on the Oakland baseball roster. This sort of arbitrary discrimination based on athletic ability is dangerous to the self esteem of kids today. After all, what's really important is to try hard and make sure no one's feelings get hurt.

Those are just some ideas off the top of my head. There are many other cases of lingering insensitivity and discrimination out there waiting to be changed for the better, so if you have any suggestions, please, let your state assemblyperson know.

Best Memorial Day wishes...

2005-05-30T06:17:00.000+08:00

...to those few active duty and retired service members who read regularly (you know who you are). Yeah, yeah, I know it's all about remembering our fallen comrades, but I like to take it as a chance to say thanks to both those still in active service as well as those who have paid the ultimate price for our freedom.

Thus, a quote and a picture for you to enjoy on such a fine day.

“If you are able, save for them a place inside of you and save one backward glance when you are leaving for the places they can no longer go. Be not ashamed to say you loved them, though you may or may not have always.

Take what they have left and what they have taught you with their dying, and keep it with your own. And in that time, when men decide and feel safe to call the war insane, take one moment to embrace those gentle heroes you left behind."
Maj. Michael D. O’Donnell

Episode III, the long version

2005-05-29T20:13:00.000+08:00

Deep-down, I—like every other member of my generation—am a Star Wars nerd. Thus, it was with great anticipation that I joined a couple hundred of my closest Chinese friends to view the final installment of the most recent trilogy. And, as promised, here are some thoughts.

The good:
1. I really liked the “making Darth Vader” montage, where you see the severely disfigured Vader in obvious misery as he gets reconstructed into the more familiar black-clad Darth Vader. Particularly potent, was a brief second when they show his face as the mask is lowered for the first time and the guy’s got this combination of terror and sadness on his mug—which is barely visible inside the neck/chest portion of the Vader suit. Made me think that he would’ve been better off just dying and he knows it. I’d never thought of that suit as a “prison” before, but that’s the feeling I got coming out of the movie. That being said, what was with the CGI shot from Vader’s point of view as the mask is lowered? It looked like a video game, for crying out loud. A perfect example of a situation where CGI is used at the expense of a live action shot, not because such a shot is technically impossible but because the filmmaker’s too damn lazy or too damn stupid to do it the old-fashioned way.

2. The Obi-Wan/Vader light saber duel was great—or at least the beginning. Once they got to floating around the lava on little robots, it really lost it’s “epic duel” quality (I like the fiery hell planet as a backdrop for such a fight, but it loses something when it becomes part of the action). But the beginning scenes of the fight were the coolest since the 3-way duel in Episode I. And the hell-like planet as a backdrop was great, I thought, as the visuals accompanied the emotion of the whole thing quite well.

3. The Emperor was well-written and well-acted, proving that even in a George Lucas movie, it is possible to have a good character or two.

Now, the bad (and there’s much, much more bad):
1. What the hell happened with the whole Yoda/Emperor duel? One minute they’re going at it, the next minute Yoda’s crawling through an air conditioning duct talking about how he has failed and must go into exile. Why, exactly, did the fight end? I mean if we’re going on points, I’d have to say it was a draw. Sure, the green dude lost his light saber, but are we to believe that’s the end of it for him? The way I see it, he takes a fall and gives up. What a pussy. Of course, this would be in keeping with the portrayal of the Jedi throughout the third movie (a bunch of dogmatic, idiotic, blind-as-a-bat, pussies). Still, considering Yoda went there to kill the Emperor, I would’ve liked to have seen someone emerge victorious, one way or the other. After all, there is no try. There is only do, or do not (yes, that was extremely nerdy). In a larger sense, this is reflective of a common problem in Episodes I-III. In each, there are some amazing light saber duels, but all of them fizzle out with a lame ending (Darth Maul, despite having the “high ground” getting chopped in half, Dooku running away in his ship, Vader jumping up in the air and getting chopped down for no apparent reason, etc.). At least in the first movies, the fighting wasn’t anti-climactic, even if the artistry of the fights themselves couldn’t hold a candle to the prequels.

2. Um, is it me, or did it seem like the swiftness with which the Emperor disposed of the Jedi sent to arrest him was nothing more than an unwillingness on Lucas’ part to choreograph another cool fight scene? Two of the guys literally stand there while they’re stabbed to death. Couldn’t we have at least seen the Emperor overwhelm them in a halfway believable manner first?

3. “Hold me like you did by the lake on Naboo.” No further comment needed.

4. …except to say that Natalie Portman’s character was horrible. Not only did her dialogue suck, but from what I can tell, she had no convictions of any kind. For being such an integral part of Anakin’s turn to the Dark Side, Padme had pretty much nothing of importance to say. Moreover, as I saw it, the character herself had no influence over Anakin, but instead it was only some abstract notion of her that did. In the broad sense of the story, she was an important character as it was attachment to her that ultimately facilitated Vader’s turn away from the Jedi, but in the actual manifestation of the character as written by Lucas, she was totally worthless. Basically, her role in the films was to be a uterus.

And now let’s deal with the two biggies:

• “Only a Sith Lord deals in absolutes.” And with that one line, Lucas pretty much contradicts the entire franchise he’s been peddling for the last 30 years. This is the most serious problem I have next to the actual transformation of Vader (getting to that next), so I’ll spend a little time talking about what I mean. Before we really get into it, take a moment to consider that Obi Wan’s very statement is, itself, an absolute. Ironic, no? Or consider that a mere 2 minutes later, Anakin says that from his “point of view” the Jedi are evil. That sounds pretty relativist to me, and it’s coming from a “Sith Lord”. It’s Obi-Wan who replies that such a point of view proves Anakin is forever lost (or something to that effect). Seems to me he shouldn’t be so quick to deal in absolutes. Maybe he should take some time to try and see the world from Vader’s point of view, to better understand his angst, to take a little time to think about how the Jedi have brought this upon themselves. At the very least, Obi Wan needs a sensitivity seminar.

Then there’s the line from the Sith Emperor himself that “good is a point of view.” Or how about his lecture to Anakin that the Sith are the only ones who try to understand a complete picture of the force by learning the powers of the Dark Side? It is the Jedi who are unwilling to look at the world (and the force) from all points of view, no? In the context of this film, it seems to me that the dogmatic Jedi are the ones who are the rigid absolutists and it is the Sith who are the enlightened relativist thinkers.

But let’s not stop there; let’s look at that one line in the context of the whole Star Wars franchise. Basically, this is a six movie set that is based upon the idea that there is a “Dark Side” of the force and a good side, i.e. Jedi side. I don’t recall anyone ever wielding a light saber unless he was aligned with one of these two sides. There isn’t a great “moderate wing” of the Force. I would argue, in fact, that half of the appeal of the series is the sweeping good versus evil nature of it.

Moreover, in Episodes 4-6, Obi Wan and Yoda are both quite absolutist when it comes to the Dark Side of the force. All that stuff about “once you start down the path to the Dark Side, forever will it control your destiny”. How about “there is no try. There is only do or do not.” Not a lot of wiggle room there. What of the common refrain that there is nothing left in Darth Vader but evil? That’s awfully harsh rhetoric, don’t you think? Hell, even the “Darth Vader killed your father” whopper is based upon the notion that when Anakin Skywalker turned to the Dark Side, it was a total, absolute, and final decision. Vader and Anakin don’t co-exist; it’s an all-or-nothing proposition, the Dark Side. There is no middle ground.

Anyway, it seems to me that Lucas didn’t really think this thing through and instead went with a line that sounded good at the time, but didn’t really mesh with his own “Jedi philosophy.”

• And now for the biggest problem: Anakin’s turn to the Dark Side, or, more specifically, the actual moment of his transformation to Darth Vader. I must admit that I liked the general concept of Anakin becoming attached to a woman, and that attachment subsequently leading to fear, fear to anger, etc., etc. I thought it meshed very well with the same themes from Empire Strikes Back and ROTJ (Luke, through his attachment to his friends and particularly to his sister, is in danger of falling prey to the Dark Side, blah blah blah). What I found jarring and unsatisfactory was the actual event in which Anakin pledges himself to the Emperor. It was literally a split-second thing. There was no climactic moment of choice but rather one second the kid’s talking about justice and the “Jedi way” and the next he’s not only watching the Emperor dish out some street justice of his own, but pledging to kill children on the Emperor’s behalf. To me, there’s a disconnect between the version of the guy who goes “Oh no! What have I done?” right after helping kill Sam Jackson and the version of the same guy who 15 seconds later is kneeling at the Emperor’s feet agreeing to kill all the little Jedi kids. There was no great moment of choice when he commits himself to evil, when he finally takes that step across the line he’d been toeing the whole movie. And it's my contention that these types of things all involve a moment of choice; no matter how slowly you are sliding towards evil, no matter how gradually you're changing into a different person, no matter how much you're tricked into doing something wrong, at some point there is always a choice. There is always a moment in which you can turn the tide. Epic stories often exaggerate this moment for full effect; Lucas, being a moron, chose to skip it entirely.

I would much, much rather have seen a parallel between that moment and the climactic fight scene in ROTJ, when Luke is faced with killing Vader or dying himself. Moreover, his friends are in immediate danger, and along with killing Vader comes the possibility of salvation for his friends. I would rather have seen Anakin kill Count Dooku to make that final step, to give in to the possibility of salvation for his wife (not just some abstract conception that he may be able to master the Dark Side enough to save her) just as the Emperor wanted Luke to kill Vader and take his place as the Emperor’s right hand. And why couldn’t Padme have been threatened in a direct way, much as Vader threatened Leia (sp?) to goad Luke into fighting in ROTJ? Basically, I’m just not buying that some indirect, abstract fear about Padme is enough to cause a complete character change in a matter of 5 seconds. At the end of the day, what made the Luke/Vader duel so compelling was that Luke was seized with hatred and anger, he had plenty of selfish motivations to give into that anger, and yet he still made the difficult choice not to. In Episode III, Anakin doesn't have such a moment. He gives into some abstract selfish desire to save his wife, but he never really finds himself totally consumed by hate and anger until much later into the film (I'd say when he squares off with Obi Wan is the first time).

At the very least, Lucas could’ve saved the whole killing the Jedi children for Vader’s second assignment, as it was just not believable as his first (for the reasons explained above). Too drastic a switch (from a guy who feels guilty about killing to a guy who’s willing to kill kids) that was made far too quickly without a dramatic event to cause it.

Anyway, I could go on and on, but at the moment, I’m tired of writing (as you’re probably tired of reading). Let’s just say that it was cool to finally see the conclusion of the whole thing, even if it was, on the whole, a wasted opportunity.

Episodio Tres

2005-05-29T02:21:00.000+08:00

I'm fresh back from a late-night viewing of the much ballyhooed Star Wars: Episode III, and while I have much to say, it shall have to wait until morning. I would like to mention that the title of this post is not arbitrary. I feel that the everyone would've been better off had the people at Fox found George Lucas' non-union Mexican equivalent (in the Simpsons tradition) to write and direct this film. Let's just say that I never, in my wildest imagination, could have forseen Anakin's love interest saying to the future Dark Lord, "I can go early and get the baby's room ready!" Or there's this gem: "Hold me like you did on Naboo!"

As for the directing part, anyone who consistently makes Sam Jackson and Natalie Portman seem little more than B actors (three films in a row to boot!) is not much of a director. Then again, there wasn't much dialogue to work with (as mentioned above), but since Lucas is responsible on that front, too, that doesn't work as a cop-out.

But it's not all bad. The light saber duels were cool as always. The visual effects were impressive, and I particularly liked the lava-filled planet myeslf. Also, Ewin McGregor's best performance of the series.

But as I said, more on this after a good night's rest.

Where, oh where, has my Big Bird gone?

2005-05-28T00:16:00.000+08:00

Yes, friends, I've once again fallen off the face of the earth (in truth, I've been digging a hole from China; I figure everyone wants to dig to China, so I should go against the grain). But lest my dedicated readers lose faith, here is some randomness to enjoy.

• All of us here at the Cage are looking forward to the Word Slinger's take on the new Star Wars movie. Haven't seen it myself, but I hope to have some expert analysis from the movie guru himself once he's indulged in a night out at the theater (which I'll be passing along to all of you). Just as the French are the world's foremost authority orderly and trouble-free surrender, think of the Word Slinger as the man to talk to on all things movie related. So we'll look forward to that...

• Speaking of Star Wars, test your wits against Darth Vader...if you're feeling up to the challenge, that is (and you have nothing better to do).

• Today's bit of absurdity (there's so much absurdity out there, it's hard to narrow it down): the latest call for ever-more pampering by the British nanny state is knife control. Yep, it seems some British doctors are calling for a ban on certain types of kitchen knives due to their role in domestic assaults. When you stop laughing, consider how eerily similar the arguments they're making are to the arguments gun control advocates make. For instance:

The researchers said there was no reason for long pointed knives to be publicly available at all. They consulted 10 top chefs from around the UK, and found such knives have little practical value in the kitchen. None of the chefs felt such knives were essential, since the point of a short blade was just as useful when a sharp end was needed.

Just substitute that all-encompassing term "assault rifle" and add "hunting" instead of "in the kitchen" and you've got yourself a ready-made argument for Congressional gun control legislation. I never totally bought into the slippery-slope anti-gun control argument, if only because I thought the possibility that the government would come for our knives and baseball bats so unfathomable. Shame on me.

• Some Middle East absurdity for you to enjoy: a glimpse into the twisted world of how to brainwash a Palestinian child. Those upright "businessmen" over there at Hamas have an online children's magazine that teaches the finer points of growing up to be a suicide bomber. There you can view, among other things, photographs of the severed head of a female suicide bomber ("severed from her pure body [while] her headscarf remained to decorate [her face]"), and the last will of another "martyr", all complete with child-friendly cartoon illustrations. Sick stuff.

• Speaking of the good old Middle East, I never realized the queen of Jordan was so damn hot. Seems being a Middle Eastern autocrat has its advantages after all. Daaaaaamn.

• I may not be the most qualified person to comment on this seeing as I haven't lived in the United States for a while now, but I'm going to anyway. I've read some ballyhoo about a decline in movie attendance as of late. Accompanying it seems to be the usual analysis that maybe this represents some broad cultural shift, maybe it represents Hollywood losing touch, blah blah blah. Here's a thought: maybe the movies Hollywood's been pumping out lately suck! Like I said, just a thought.

• In the mood to kill some time. Enjoy this doosy of a flash game. Quite entertaining.

That's all for now. Until next time.

Let's get it on! Why radical Islam SUCKS!

2005-05-18T17:36:00.000+08:00

I mentioned on Monday that there are some sick bastards out there, specifically the Saudi Royal Family's personal security personnel. In the process, I noted that one could use the phrase "these animals" to describe a far wider array of folks than just the nutjobs mentioned in the story. In response, one of my faithful readers, the movie god known to us mortals as "word slinger", had the following response:

Personally, I think you'll find "these men" all over the globe. "These men"...these savages who beat a man just for kicks are the same demons as the teenager who blows up a cat for the hell of it, or the middle-aged man who kidnaps, sexually assaults, and murders a little girl. There are no differences between these people: they're all Hitler or Pol Pot, only without the power or influence. "These men" exist in every country across the world, and they are sick.

And I hope that was the implication in your rant, because to say otherwise (or to say what I suspect you were going to say) would be erroneous and wrong: to implicate a whole people because of race, religion, or geography is just plain ignorant. Hopefully that wasn't going to be the hypothesis of your rant, because I have been around plenty of people who've made that claim and it offends me deeply.

Also, Ibrahim clearly had a severe Napoleonic Complex, that jumped out at me right away..."He's 5' 5" and he's a torturer?" Hmmm.

Now, it's not often I respond to comments. Hell, it's not often that I even get them. But this one merits an answer.

Warning: the following may offend you. This concerns me very little, as placating your sensibilities doesn’t rank particularly high on my list of priorities, but I feel I at least owe you the courtesy of letting you know to stop reading now if you don’t want to run the risk of having your feelings hurt.

When I originally wrote the little aside about "these animals", my intent was to include a wide-ranging collection of Middle East All-Stars, among them the Saudi Royal family, Saddam Hussein, the mullahs in Tehran (think Khameni, Khatami, Aref, et al), Yasser Arafat (my his soul eternally burn in the fiery pits of hell), and Bashar al-Asad, not to mention the non-official celebrities like al-Zarqawi, Abdel Aziz Rantisi (may his soul share a seat next to Yasser’s), Sheikh Ahmed Yassin (ditto), Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah, and the list goes on and on. The point being that lost in all the self-hating that is so fashionable in America today is that we are the good guys. Sure, we screw up and have our own shallow end of the gene pool (take a bow, Pvt. England), but to equate what happened at Abu Ghraib while under Allied control to what went on there when the Baathists were in charge requires one’s head to be so far up one’s ass that he’s giving his teeth a tongue bath. Or how about those who reflexively believe the worst about the American military *cough* Newsweek *cough* while unscrupulously assuming the very best about our adversaries? Happens all the damn time.

All that said, given the Word Slinger’s response, I’ve decided that I would like to stir the pot and go a little deeper than naming specific people. I may even make some generalizations! Scandalous! For there is nothing that I dislike more than being preached to from a faux position of moral authority (that's not entirely true...I dislike stinky tofu, Leonardo DiCaprio movies, and those Umpa Lumpa things from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory a lot more, actually, but you catch my drift); and offending people’s delicate sensibilities doesn’t happen enough these days, so I’ll see what I can do on that front, too. If you hadn't noticed, I'm making an extra effort to be inflammatory here (kind of defeats the point, advertising it, but I wouldn't want my word-slinging friends to take it the wrong way).

Before I get to the meat and potatoes of it, let me just say this. I won’t waste anyone's time going into the absurdity of equating angry teen cat killers with Hitler, but I will say that it’s an exercise in moral equivalency that is pretty brash, even by today’s standards.

On a more serious note, there is a difference between the Khamer Rouge, Hitler, Stalin, Mao, child molesters, et al, despite what Word Slinger says. To bundle them all together neatly and say “well, they’re all equally evil, save for their access to power and influence” is an intellectual cop-out. Doing so conveniently glosses over the ideologies each used to perpetrate his killings (with the exception individuals like child molesters, who I really don't think belong in this debate), a point which would be worth noting, even if it wasn’t pertinent to my argument below. Sure, the fact that Stalin murdered over 20 million in the name of communism while Hitler knocked off 7 million or so in the name of Nationalist Socialism doesn’t make one’s atrocities any less appalling or wrong than the other’s. But failing to notice the underlying causes of this sort of moral depravity does a disservice to everyone, because in so doing, we make no judgments about the value of political, ideological, and religious belief systems. This is good if your goal in life is to not offend anyone, but it is bad if you hope to learn anything from history in order to avoid a repeat performance.

Moreover, it gives the impression that “well, Stalin was one bad dude, but that whole communism thing wasn’t too shabby. If only someone who wasn’t such a moral train wreck had been in charge, things would’ve worked out.” Implicitly, it treats the ideologies that spawn Holocausts and gulags as amoral, when in fact they are the underlying foundation of the problem. Communism spawned 50 years of murder, political and religious intolerance, forced labor camps, and general misery among the people who lived within the USSR’s borders, regardless of whether it was Stalin, Brezhnev, or Gorbachev in charge. The Chinese brand of communism hasn’t served its people any better, be it Mao’s version, Deng Xiaoping’s version, or Jiang Zemin’s version. Lest you think I exaggerate, just do some studying up on the indoctrination job the Japanese did on their population, specifically soldiers, leading up to and during WWII, all in the name of good Confucian values, of course. The end result: some of the most atrocious war crimes in modern history, committed with the savagery of a pack of animals. Ignore the role of ideology--be it political, religious, nationalist, or a mix of all of the above--at your own peril. This ties in nicely to my main point, which is…

…at the root of the terrorist problem we’ve seen exported to the West in the last 30 plus years is Islam. Or more precisely, radical, extremist, Islam and all it’s oh-so-fun permutations like Wahhabism. And I have no qualms about saying that the followers of radical Islamic sects who fall hook, line, and sinker for its ideology of murder, depravity, discrimination, intolerance, and hatred toward the West, and then carry out acts of terrorism against us—be it our soldiers or innocent civilians—are nothing more than animals. All of them. This is not to say every country, ideology, religion, blah blah blah doesn’t have it’s own version of less-than-human extremists (although as noted above, I don’t throw cat, goose, dog or any other animal killers into that mix). Moreover, it’s not even all-inclusive; the sick former Baathists who are driving TNT-laden cars into groups of Iraqi children on the streets of Baghdad are also disgusting pieces of human excrement. But to ignore the fact that the sick bastards who have for years strapped explosives to their chests and walked into shopping malls or that the murderous thugs who have flown passenger jets into New York city skyscrapers have all been weaned on one specific, identifiable, religious ideology is an exercise in stupidity. Then there’s the stellar record radical Islam has in bringing down passenger airplanes over Scotland, murdering handicapped, incapacitated American citizens and dumping their bodies into the sea, murdering Israeli Olympic athletes (or any other type of Israeli, for that matter), blowing up American embassies in Africa, blowing holes in American warships while they’re in port, etc., etc., etc. In almost every major case of international terrorism against the West in the past 40 years, the common factor has been some brand of radical Islam. If admitting this obvious truth offends people or otherwise makes them feel not-so-chipper inside, tough.

It’s much like the current feel-good argument that we can’t subject Middle Eastern nationals to tougher security checks before they fly airplanes. Heaven forbid we require them to do an interview before granting them a visa! Sure, we’ve yet to see a Tibetan freedom fighter take down a jetliner in the middle of DC, but it could happen. Besides, what’s really more important, 5,000 more American lives or making sure no one from the Middle East gets offended?

But lest I get sidetracked, let me finish making my point. Look, I’m sure Islam’s all fine and dandy and really is a religion of peace and tolerance and whatnot (though I find the ringing silence by even the “mainstream” Islamic scholars following terrorist atrocities deafening at times). My limited class time spent studying the religion leads me to believe that such should be the case, and we should all just get along. Furthermore, most of the Muslim folks I’ve met and studied with, be they from Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Indonesia, Singapore—wherever—are stand up fellows. But to turn a blind eye to radical Islam’s connection to Al-Qaeda, Hamas, Hezbollah (did you know they have their own webpage?), Islamic Jihad, et al for fear of upsetting the good Muslims is ridiculous. Ditto when it comes to the role it plays in depraved “honor killings” in the Middle East and Europe. Thus, you simply cannot overlook the fact that a sizeable chunk of the Muslim world, specifically the theological leadership in the Middle East, can't seem to square the Koran’s teachings with the modern world. Theirs is the last of the world’s major religions that hasn’t moved out of the 14th Century, at least as it is practiced in many corners of the Middle East (and now, seemingly, in many parts of Europe).

So am I saying we should systematically abolish Islam or wipe out its practitioners the world over? Absolutely not. Moreover, there are voices of hope, albeit few and far between, in the Muslim world that give me reason to believe that this whole thing may be settled in my lifetime. But regardless, in our current fight, it would certainly be helpful if more people were less afraid of ruffling the PC Thought Police’s feathers and more concerned with simply identifying the root of the problem. Until you do that, solutions to are difficult to come by. You can’t win a war with radical Islam when only one side of the fight acknowledges who it’s adversary is (hint: as it stands today, only the other side makes this distinction). It’s been a while since I’ve heard President Bush hit hard on this like he did following 9/11. Methinks a refresher would be welcome right about now.

Cameron Diaz at it again

2005-05-16T17:20:00.000+08:00

This, my friends, is spectacular. From the You Can't Make It Up Blog, the story of yet more Cameron Diaz mental gymnastics.

At the Reebok Human Rights Awards--good thing it wasn't a child-labor rights award show, I guess--Miss Einstein-Diaz graced the audience of mostly high schoolers with her brilliance:

[Diaz] then read [a prepared text] about Carlos Rojas, a videographer documenting violent atrocities against his indigenous ethnic group in Oaxaca. "Brutalized, attacked, imprisoned and tortured by the Mexican military, the Mixe found themselves without a voice," Cameron read.

Then, looking up at the audience, puppy dog eyes wide, she ad libbed, "I think we all know what that feels like, right guys?" From the back of the auditorium came the response, "I want to do you, Cameron!" She smiled and waved. "You guys are so awesome!"

Speechless...

Your daily dose of Islamic extremism, II

2005-05-16T16:30:00.000+08:00

Then there's this doosy of a story, describing the arrest, imprisonment, and repeated torture of a British expat living in Saudi Arabia in 2000. It seems he and a couple other Westerners were blamed for planting a car bomb that killed another Briton, when the bombing was quite obviously the work of al-Qaeda extremists (using "al-Qaeda" and "extremists" back-to-back is somewhat redundant, don't you think?). Some lowlights:

After three days of torture, Ibrahim and Khalid summoned a doctor to examine Mr Mitchell. The doctor took his blood pressure. It was dangerously high. "Try to relax more," the doctor suggested helpfully to Mr Mitchell. When Mr Mitchell protested that he was being tortured, the doctor calmly replied: "They all say that. You'll just have to cope the best you can." And the moment the doctor left, the torture began again.

It's so simple. Just try to relax during the beatings, otherwise that blood pressure might cause you problems!

They kept coming to beat me. They would do it for no reason at all. 'What do you want me to say?' I would ask them. 'What questions do want me to answer?' They would reply, 'There are no questions! We just want to beat you.' They enjoyed it. These men were savages."

Therein, my friends, lies the most profoundly true statement of the whole article. I'd go into a deeper discussion of how all-encompassing I think "these men" should be, but I'll spare you the rant.

Anyway, read the whole thing. Interesting, if sickening, stuff.

Your daily dose of Islamic extremism, I

2005-05-16T16:10:00.000+08:00

This is one f$@%ed up story. It would appear that "honor killings" are all the rage among hardcore Islamists in Europe, although this story focuses on Germany.

To give you a taste, ask yourself, is it ever okay in the eyes of Allah to murder your sister? Sure, if "the whore live[s] like a German." How about strangling your 16 year old daughter? Allah's down with that if the little whipper snapper has a boyfriend.

Unbe-friggin'-leavable. Anyway, give it a read.

I keep hearing a lot of smart people who argue that Europe is going to have its own radical Islamist problem in a few years time. Stories like the one above, and a lot of similar stories I've heard coming from Sweden certainly don't paint a picture of harmony and peace over there in Euro-ville.

Jacko's helper monkeys

2005-05-12T23:11:00.000+08:00

It seems I'm not the only one with a team of helper chimpanzees, although this article doesn't mention anything about Jacko's monkeys being of a genetically-engineered super breed.

Michael Jackson used his pet chimpanzees to clean Neverland ranch, his trial heard yesterday. The creatures would help the star by dusting, cleaning windows and brushing the toilets, the jury heard.

You may or may not remember the mystery surrounding a few of the Big Bird's Cage super chimpanzees' disappearance after their firings last year. The relevant passage:

As a direct result of this investigation, 12 of the chimps have been summarily dismissed, although several were inexplicably hired by both the NHL and the NHLPA as "legal advisors” in the upcoming labor negotiations. Two of the others were spotted entering the Neverland estate, but have not been seen nor heard from since.

Well, thanks to the Jacko trial, we now have the answers as to what they were doing inside Neverland ranch. Poor little fellas.

Chickens, pucks, balls, and Chinamen

2005-05-11T23:45:00.000+08:00

Sorry for the disappearance as of late. Other things have been demanding my attention, but I expect to break free of these self-imposed shackles soon here. The site's loyal devotees demand nothing less.

• In the meantime, here's a little subservient chicken action to tide you over. Perhaps the only redeeming thing Burger King's ever done.

• Some hockey for those who--like me--are suffering Stanley Cup withdrawals: an interesting article by John Buccigross for you to read. Yes, I'm actually recommending a Buccigross article. I know, I never thought it would happen again, either.

As for his general premise that Gary Buttman should stay on as commissioner, he makes some strong points, but, to my way of thinking, at the end of the day it comes down to this: when the Stanley Cup is presented to the winning team's captain, can you imagine anyone--anyone!--sounding and looking like more of a whinny smug piece of New York trash than Buttman? They need to get someone with a wicked Canadian accent, a few missing teeth, and a Scott Parker devil beard who looks cool handing out the Cup and saying "Kick ass job, boys. Now go get drunk, eh." An arbitrary litmus test, yes, but a litmus test nonetheless.

• The crack of the bat is in the air, especially in Denver--what's new, right?--and with the Rockies stinking it up like a sweaty Taiwanese man rummaging through the garbage, I again wonder what must be done to tame the beast that is Coors Field. Personally, I'm all for shrinking the outfield, using high altitude balls, and doing anything else required to make the games there a little less frustrating for us pitching aficionados to enjoy. With that in mind, I wonder why the league was so opposed to giving the baseballs the cigar treatment? I figure if it's good enough for Castro's smokes, it's good enough for MLB.

• Our "friends" the Chinese are doing what they do best: being a pain in the proverbial ass. Actually, I should clarify. There are quite a few things they do better, among them imprisoning Uyghur political dissidents and Falun Gong members, using intellectual property rights as toilet paper, and conducting industrial espionage operations. But in this particular case, the PRC is proving unwilling to consider economic sanctions as an option in dealing with North Korea. Pay particular attention to this bit:

[S]everal current and former American officials noted on Tuesday that the Chinese had consistently resisted pressure to crack down on trade with the North Koreans, and seemed to have made the stability of the North Korean government a top priority.

Stressing stability. Isn't that quaint, particularly in light of their willingness to roll out the red carpet for Taiwanese opposition leaders.

You've got to love it when the leaders *cough* communists *cough* in Beijing are careful not to destabilize the detestable Kim Jong Il's authoritarian regime but pull out all the stops to undermine the twice popularly-elected leader of the world's only Chinese democracy.

The Chinese are going to be the focus of a lot of our attention for years to come. And I don't mean that in a good way.

• And I leave you with a final thought from the always-wise Jack Handy:

"It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money."

The first, and only, time traveler convention

2005-05-07T00:02:00.000+08:00

Only the people at MIT could think up something like this. So do your part, spread the word. I, for one, will be sure to write down all the convention info in both English and Chinese and slip it into some obscure work at the library. Maybe I'll even pick up a copy of Mao's little red book and write it in the margins. I mean, seeing as everyone's predicting the coming "Chinese Century", isn't it likely that future time travelers will be using this kind of funky scrawl 「這樣的字」 instead of good old English?

And by the way, this is not what I had in mind by a more cerebral post.

Cerebral stuff forthcoming...

2005-05-03T23:24:00.000+08:00

So recently I've been on a bit of a humor binge, and it's been some time since I've written anything that could be considered above the 3rd grade level. Thus, I promise some more cerebral ramblings--particularly on the recent developments in Taiwan-China relations--are on the way in the coming days. In particular, I will certainly have something of note to say about the newly developed phenomenon I dub panda diplomacy. Yeah, that'll be a real pot boiler, I guarantee it.

In the meantime, take a look at the Roger Williams University College Republicans' answer to the Vagina Monologues: Testicles, the penis warrior, seen around the campus promoting the Penis Monologues (full download available here). This is probably another one the under 18 crowd won't want to check out, FYI.

Enjoy!

The Pat O'Brien Sexual Harrassment Scoreboard

2005-05-03T17:16:00.000+08:00

***WARNING: Not for our under 18 readers! Explicit stuff lies below!***

Since I'm in a cultural time warp of sorts, I hadn't heard anything about Pat O'Brien's coked up antics until just today. Nevertheless, it seems he left some interesting messages on some woman's voicemail during a coke binge of sorts (who the woman is, I'm not really sure) describing--in some detail--all the lewd things he would like to do with her.

***Again, the links below are sexually explicit, so I recommend our younger readers go hang out with the other Big Bird instead.***

While the message itself is entertaining, this animated Pat O'Brien Sexual Harrassment Scoreboard is even better (follow the link and click on "Watch This Movie"). Give it a look.

Nunchucks of fury

2005-05-01T13:57:00.000+08:00

If you do nothing else today, click this link. Fantastic.

The Cameron Diaz Award for Excellence in Stupidty

2005-04-30T00:05:00.000+08:00

As of today I am creating the aforementioned award to recognize the tremendous wealth of stupidity that exists among celebrities throughout the world. It's a shame that many celebrities of below-average intellectual capacity are appreciated only for their chiseled abs and stunning features and not for their Brahmin-like observations on the environment, animal rights, world peace, race relations, economic equality, and other major social issues. Even when their stupidity has no discernable theme, it is worth listening to because, well, they're celebrities dammit! Well, we here at the Cage say, "No longer!" It's time to recognize the masterful idiocy of society's rich and famous.

The inaugural winner of the Cameron Diaz Award for Excellence in Stupidity is none other than everyone's favorite female hip hop artist,"la bella mafia", the Queen Bee herself: Lil' Kim. For those of you not down with the latest hip hop news, seems Lil' Kim was slapped with a felony perjury charge this April. You try to stick up for your posse and the man just beats ya down! What makes her Diaz Award-worthy, you ask? Well, the Queen Bee's sentencing is coming up. Have you written your letter to the presiding judge yet? If not, here are some helpful guidelines to ensure that your letter on behalf of Lil' Kim has the intended effect.

Pay particular attention to these letter-writing hints:

· Do NOT criticize of the Justice System.
· Do NOT criticize the Judge.
· Do NOT criticize the verdict.
· Do NOT criticize the court case or mention it in anyway.
· Do NOT give opinions on what her sentence should be, simply ask him for leniency.
· Do NOT mention Martha Stewart or any other celebrities (especially those in the music industry). [BB: My personal favorite]

And just in case you weren't in the third grade the day they taught the proper way to format a letter, here's a useful outline:

Dear Judge Lynch,

Each letter writer should:

1) Brief intro including name + and that you are a fan of Kim.
2) What is special to you about Kim?

Respectfully (or Sincerely, or Respectfully and Sincerely,)
Person’s Name

Of course, what sealed the award for Kim was this statement following her trial:

"However, I was acquitted of the most serious charge, obstruction of justice. Throughout my life, I have always lived with adversity and will continue to have faith and do good for my family, friends and fans."

Does committing perjury in federal court and the resulting prison time really count as "adversity"? It's all good, though, because after all, she got off of that obstruction of justice charge scot free! Aww yeah!

A must-read on Chinese nationalism

2005-04-29T23:46:00.000+08:00

Anyone wanting to bone up on their understanding of Chinese nationalism, its role as a source of legitimacy for the CCP, and its part in the recent anti-Japan rallies making waves in recent weeks needs to give this article by Tom Donnelly a read. It is excellent; well-researched and well-reasoned, it manages to hit a lot of what the Western media coverage of the protests has missed. A few highlights:

"Finally, it's almost certain that Chinese leaders are attempting to siphon a whole host of social troubles--economic and labor unrest, internal political repression, corruption, and the general lack of political development--into expressions of anger at Japan and other foreign sources."

This, of course, is a common practice among dictatorships, used to great effect by the kleptocracies in the Middle East. It's too often glazed over by the Western press when discussing China, though. Some more from Donnelly:

In theory, the phenomenon of nationalism, the love of one's country, or patriotism, is neither good nor evil. At the core of American 'nationalism' is the narrative of the Declaration of Independence--a document often targeted by Chinese nationalists as indicative of the immaturity of American culture--with its enunciation of natural, universal political rights. Even 'Chinese' nationalism, as now expressed in Taiwan, can be energetically, even brawlingly, democratic.

Yet modern Chinese mainlander nationalism is marked by a number of darker qualities, as Yu Maochun of the U.S. Naval Academy argues. It is deeply chauvinistic, celebrating not only millennia of Chinese civilization but the virtues of the Han people. And it is an important staple of Chinese popular culture--or at least that popular culture endorsed and promoted by the government."

Anyway, read the whole thing.

Bar Beer: a party in every can!

2005-04-29T23:38:00.000+08:00

The second of today's gems comes to you courtesy of Kirin, the famous Japanese beer company, or rather, the Taiwanese branch thereof:

In case the picture’s not clear enough, the description on the can reads:

Work for fun, study for fun, live for fun.
Challenge for fun, think for fun,
Strive for fun…Whichever life you choose,
don’t forget Bar.
Every time you have a Bar,
The world will be full of fun.

I have nothing to add other than to say that the can is meant to look like a frosty pint, complete with a foamy head on top. Beyond that, I think it speaks for itself. Cheers!

Beethoven and the garbage man

2005-04-29T23:36:00.000+08:00

I thought I’d take a few minutes tonight to share a couple humorous pieces of modern Taiwanese culture (China-nouveau as I like to call it) with my round eye friends. The first, of course, involves the typically mundane subject of trash collection.

If you’re into environmental issues, you’ll probably find this article interesting just on the merits. For the rest of us, it’s entertaining for one simple reason:

Every night, Chang watches her neighbors haul bags of trash past her laundry store to a street corner, where they wait for the wafting melody of Beethoven's Fuer Elise blared from loudspeakers to herald the arrival of the garbage truck.

Yes, it’s true, garbage trucks in Taiwan grace their customers with the soothing sounds of Beethoven in order to let them know the garbage man’s a comin’. The problem, of course, is that it’s not the London Symphony Orchestra version of the song that emanates from the speakers mounted on the garbage trucks. Rather, it’s a cruel, shrill mix between what you’d expect to hear in an old Nintendo game and something akin to a synthesized music box. And then there’s the fact that the track is set to repeat only the first few seconds of the first movement’s famous melody. So it’s a seven second clip that repeats over and over and over and over again. Those garbage men must be on the verge of insanity.

Anyway, the garbage collection is one of those uniquely Taiwanese events, and it never fails to draw a crowd. It only happens at night, and it brings all kinds out of the word work. Always good for a chuckle, unless of course it’s happening on the sidewalk while you’re walking home, requiring that you dodge men, women, and children hauling bags of trash onto the sidewalk.

Theo Fleury, ambassador of hockey

2005-04-28T23:22:00.000+08:00

Yes, that crazy little bastard known to hockey fans as Theo Fleury (most people outside the sport know him only as "that crazy little asshole") has managed to do his best Mike Tyson imitation, finding a way to still make a stir years after flushing his career down the toilet. The occasion? His team getting knocked out of the Canadian senior hockey championship. I'll just let the pint-sized hockey Shakespeare speak for himself:

"The only reason this tournament sold out was because of yours truly right here. We all know it and I'm going to say it."

In fact the tickets were sold out before Fleury's team qualified, but facts are for losers. And besides, how could the man not be a huge fan draw, especially given his solidarity with the common fan? After receiving some boos from the crowd during the elimination game, Fleury had this to say:

"Look at the source. A guy that carries a lunch pail to work every day, a frustrated human being, he doesn't want to face his problems head-to-head, so who's the perfect target? Theo Fleury."

No, it's far better to avoid facing your problems using the tried and true Theo Fleury Method: go on multiple alcohol binges...oh and fight with a few strip club bouncers while you're at it. A class act, that Theo Fleury.

Surprisingly the story is not to be found on ESPN's nor TSN's websites, which is probably for the best. Fortunately, the Sethel, an astute observer of all things hockey, brought it to my attention.

Supreme Court humor

2005-04-28T23:00:00.000+08:00

Well, maybe not humor. But at the very least, irony.

So the SCOTUS put its collective mind together and came to a decision regarding Small vs. United States. I'm no legal genius or anything, but to the best of my reading, the case goes something like this: Gary Small was convicted and served 5 years in Japan for illegaly smuggling weapons into the country (2 rifles, 8 automatic pisols, and a few hundred rounds of ammo). It seems the guy attempted to smuggle the guns inside a water tank, a practice he had tried successfully on two separate occassions. I have to think that the gun runners of the 1980s would most certainly criticize his lack of imagination (everyone knows you only use the old water tank routine to smuggle child prostitutes!).

Anyway, after serving his sentence, he returned to the US, where he purchased a firearm. Problem being 18 U. S. C. §922(g) (yeah, go look that one up...riiiight) makes it illegal for any person "who has been convicted in any court of, a crime punishable by imprisonment for a term exceeding one year" to own a gun. Seems relatively straightforward. Of course, does "any" mean any US court or any court in general, including those crazy Japanese courts? Arguing over this one requires verbal gynmastics worthy of former President Clinton I imagine, but ultimately, the Court ruled that Mr Small's purchase was legal.

A few points:
1) The real overlooked issue here is that Mr. "Small" was obviously trying to purchase a gun to compensate for something...perahps a small "firearm" of his own? Someone industrious reporter should explore this angle. Any fool knows this.
2) I don't know much about Japanese courts, but I have to assume they look just like a cross between the Iron Chef stadium and sumo wrestling "arenas", including a panel of fat men in thongs doling out sentences...all dubbed into English of course. This surely should weigh in on the Court's decision. How, I don't know. But it's too funny a mental picture not to.
3) Mr. "Small" (hehe, I can't help but giggle--see point #1 above) bought the gun in question in 1998. Now I'm sure this thing has been working its way through all the different appellate courts, but seven years?!? Just shy of a decade guys, way to go!

Now for the irony. Given the various Court members' views on gun control as well as the influence of foreign jurisprudence on American consitutional interpretation, one would certainly expect that gun-totin', radical conservative Clarence Thomas and Antonin Scalia would be all for letting the guy with the eeny weeny *cough* firearm *cough* buy his gun and be gone, foreign courts be damned. On the other hand, the liberal justices (think Breyer, Ginsberg) who think it is appropriate to look at foreign law while interpreting the living, breathing, evolving, not to mention breakdancing Constituion would stand up and say "zetta dame desu!" to Mr. Small buying a gun (which he will no doubt use to kill Professor Plum in the Library).

Of course, exacctly the opposite actually happened. Writing the disssent--Mr. Small can't buy a bigger "gun"--is Justice Thomas, joined by Scalia and Kennedy. Presenting the Court's opinion--Mr. Small can load up on all the guns he likes--is none other than Justice Breyer, joined by the rest of the crew. Read them both here.

As I said, slightly ironic, no?

UN Human Rights Commission on China

2005-04-28T14:14:00.000+08:00

As is tragically predictable, the United Nations Human Rights Commission goes softer than a Spaniard at the voting booth when it comes to real human rights abusers. Here's some interesting food for thought.

Remind me again why it's a bad thing to have an "outspoken critic" of the UN such as John Bolton as the US ambassador to that decrepit institution? Do we really want to be nodding our collective heads in agreement with the corrupt, shameful, sham...I'm sorry, I mean instrument of world opinion...that is the United Nations?

It's time they found a new residence, preferably outside the United States. Besides, our intelligence services would no doubt appreciate the reduced workload. After all, that may be the only thing the UN is actually good for: providing official cover for our adversaries' intelligence operatives.

Hi, I'm Cameron Diaz, and I'm a friggin' moron

2005-04-24T23:53:00.000+08:00

Yes, it's been some time since the Big Bird's posted here in the Cage, and I must apologize for any inconvenience this has caused my faithful readers (all 4 of you...I'm only kidding, but not really). Things have been busy on this end as of late, leaving me precious little time to contribute to this blog experiment.

Anyway, there's no better way to get back in the swing of things than pointing out just how stupid celebrities are. The latest installment of the Celebrity Dumbass File comes courtesy of Cameron Diaz. I recommend giving this article a read. Be sure you're not drinking anything while you do, though, as the laughter is likely to make you spit your beverage all over your keyboard.

Some of the highlights from the dim bulb known as Ms. Diaz:

Speaking of Bhutan, the third world SE Asian shithole located somewhere between the armpit of China and ass crack of India:

"My favorite thing about Bhutan is they measure their country's wealth, not based on dollar amount but on gross national happiness."

Gross national happiness?!? You have got to be kidding me. Also from the article:

Diaz was happy to learn that 72 percent of the country is still covered in forest. "That is so awesome. I like Bhutan," Diaz said, noting that the country has "maintained a careful balance of Old World tradition and modern convenience."

Life moves at a different pace here in Bhutan," she said. "The fusion of religion, tradition and a genuine respect for the environment give the whole country a peaceful balance."

It's always nice to admire the peaceful balance of foreign cesspools knowing that in a few days you'll be whisked away by chartered plane to your multi-million dollar Hollywood Hills palace where you'll crap in your Evian-filled toilet bowl. Living in such a place permantently is a far different matter. But hey, we're Hollywood celebrities; we're oblivious to the not-so-subtle condescention of admiring third world living from the perch of first world uber-wealth.

Speaking of defecation, here's a tid bit from the ever-brilliant Drew Barrymore:

"I took a poo in the woods hunched over like an animal. It was awesome."

It's as though the intellectual brilliance just leaps off the page, isn't it?!? Plato and Aristotle have nothing on these ladies.

It's a good thing Cameron's got a killer body and a nice face to go along with that otherwise empty, wet noodle she calls a brain. Otherwise I don't know what the hell she'd do to support herself, let alone what she'd do to make millions upon millions of dollars. As for Drew Berrymore, I'm not really sure what she's got going for her...

Searching for answers from Qalai Janghi

2005-04-13T22:51:00.000+08:00

The story of the prisoner uprising at the Qalai Janghi fortress is by now pretty well known. Recently, though, there have been a few stories surfacing about slain American officer Mike Spann's fater and his quest to find out exactly what happened that day outside Mazar-e-Sharif. In particular, there is one from the AP and a subsequent one in the Los Angeles Times.

Two particularly interesting points from the articles:

1) What an absolute travesty that John "American Taliban" Walker Lindh was let off with a relatively light 20 year prison sentence. I--and I'm not alone on this one--would rather have seen him shot on the courthouse lawn, with his head used as a urinal cake at Langley immediately thereafter. And if that piece of worthless trash gets a commutation of his sentence...

2) So the ACLU was fishing for accounts of prisoner abuse and came up empty, eh? This is nothing new, but I do find it ironic that the ACLU reflexively falls for the BS being peddled by the ragheads in Guantanamo. I'm sure they were looking forward to tarnishing the reputation of Mike Spann by alleging that he executed some prisoners that day, thus causing the prisoner revolt. Thank goodness there seems to be a tape proving otherwise. Nevertheless, if ever you needed proof that the ACLU is completely worthless.

Congrats to the University of Denver...

2005-04-11T00:43:00.000+08:00

...for winning their second NCAA hockey championship in as many years.

Here at the Cage, we'd also like to offer a belated congratulations to Colorado College's Marty Sertich for being the second CC player to win the Hobey Baker Award in the last three years.

Both stories are but further support of the undeniable: Colorado is indeed the nation's hockey powerhouse.

Seinfeld comes to life

2005-04-07T17:32:00.000+08:00

Tell me that this story is not just a juxtaposition of two Seinfeld episodes (The Handicap Spot and The Chaperone). Here's to truth being more entertaining than fiction...

MILWAUKEE - A woman who has accepted the Ms. Wheelchair Wisconsin crown said pageant officials acted fairly when they stripped the title from the original winner after she appeared in a newspaper photograph standing up.

Fantastic. Thanks to Jonah Goldberg at The Corner for digging this one up.

The new (and improved?) NHL net

2005-04-06T16:39:00.000+08:00

Here's one of the proposed fixes for the ugly, clutch-and-grab, overly-defensive, sludge that passes for NHL hockey these days: widen the nets. Or, I should say, expand them from top-to-bottom and side-to-side while rounding the whole thing out. Take a look.

Well, it's certainly an idea. It would take some getting used to, that's for sure. However, the more important message to take from this story is that the GMs and owners are finally thinking a little outside the penalty box (okay, I'll admit, that play on words was lame). Given that there are undoubtedly many fans feeling alienated by the lockout, and considering that NHL hockey had lower TV ratings than women's college softball before the whole labor fiasco anyway, the folks in Toronto have needed to get serious about finding ways to open the game back up for a long time. Moving the nets back 3 feet here, calling the rule book tighter for a few games there...these types of cosmetic changes just aren't going to cut it. That they're now actually considering something as drastic as changing the nets is, to me, a good sign that they're on the right track.

My concern with making the nets bigger is that it addresses a symptom (lack of scoring) without getting to the root of the problem (overly defensive, clutch-and-grab style of play). Widening the nets may lead to an extra goal a game since there's more to shoot at, but it does little to address the fact that skill guys play half the game with no-talent ass clowns dry humping them up and down the ice. Wider nets may lead to a higher conversion rate of scoring chances, but if scoring chances remain as rare as they are in today's game, does that really make the contest any more fun to watch? In other words, what I find frustrating about the recent trends in NHL hockey is not that goalies are making more saves, it's that they're seeing fewer and fewer quality scoring chances. I think watching Martin Brodeur make an amazing stop on a Jarome Iginla breakaway is as exciting as watching Iginla score an amazing goal. The problem is, nowadays, you're less likely to see Iginla break clear for such a chance and more likely to see him have to plow his way through the neutral zone with some jackass like Sean Avery attached to his ass the whole way. Why? Because the players and referees have collectively decided to use the rulebook as toilet paper, and career fourth line hacks are now allowed to hack, grab, slash, hook, and hold their way into the lineup (to be fair, the ridiculous amount of expansion in the 90s and the resulting dilution of talent has a lot to do with this, too). I say open up the game first and the rest will follow. Oh yeah, and would someone please, for the love of all that is sacred and holy, do something about the ridculously large chest and arm protection worn by JS Guigere and the like?

I cite as an example of amazingly exciting, low-scoring hockey: 1996 Stanley Cup Finals, Game 4. The Colorado Avalanche beat the Florida Panthers 1-0 in triple overtime to win the Stanley Cup. 1-0, yes, but this was an extremely exciting, up-and-down game that featured 63 saves by Patrick Roy and 58 saves by John Vanbiesbrouck, not to mention a few goal posts and crossbars during the first two overtime periods. Great stuff. Low scoring, but offensive nonetheless.

Last but not least, to give the hockey purists their due, it would also be wise to keep in mind the law of unintended consequences when considering these rule changes.

Anybody seen Ming lately?!?

2005-04-06T12:49:00.000+08:00

A Chinese takeout delivery man gets stuck in an elevator for 3 days.

Simply brilliant. What I'd like to know is, weren't there tenants in the building who would've wanted to use the elevator at some point in those three days? Or is it common in the Bronx to leave broken elevators unattended and unrepaired for extended periods of time?

Fortunately for Mr. Chen, we now know that to go without food or water for extended periods of time isn't painful at all. In fact, it can be quite blissful and euphoric.

Another follow up on the 326 rally

2005-04-06T11:35:00.000+08:00

This is the first, last, and only time I will ever link to a story from antiwar.com. Just wanted to get that out of the way right from the get go. That being said, this piece is a pretty good short little blurb about the the March 26 protest/rally/carnival, and it features some equally colorful photographs as those featured here a few days ago.

Okay, I'm done blabbering about the 326 thing now, I swear.

The Holy See-ya later, Taiwan

2005-04-06T11:23:00.000+08:00

This would be a tough pill for Taiwan to swallow. If the Vatican were to severe ties with the island in favor of the mainland, it would be the last of Taiwan's European allies to do so. It's one thing to have formal diplomatic ties with dirt poor Latin American countries, quite another to have the Roman Catholic church "on your side." Then again, according to Bishop Zen, the prerequisites for such a move would be religious freedom on the mainland. I'm not sure you'll be seeing that anytime soon.

Why this has come up now, though, is a bit of a mystery. Seems like some weird timing, but maybe that's just me.

The Bird speaks and it is so...

2005-04-02T22:33:00.001+08:00

Aside from my legendary modesty, stellar good looks, charming wit, and fluency in jive, my finest quality is my keen intellect, which often approaches omnipotence (not to be confused with impotence...any rumors about the Big Bird having issues in that department are simply malicious and patently false, I don't care what she says). Once again I open my beak, as it were, and the news just follows along. Cut to Saturday's announcement that the ROC Foreign Ministry has inked a new deal with Washington-based lobbying firm Barbour Griffith & Rogers.

Interesting that they're doing it now, since for years the ROC was the only game in town when it came to lobbying in DC. More proof that the PRC's recent effort in this department may be bearing some fruit. Well, that, and the fact that the PRC's big fat emerging market status is about as good a lobbying tool in and of itself as you're going to get...

Public relations, Taiwan style

2005-03-31T22:42:00.000+08:00

So pleased was I to actually have a comment posted here on the new blog that I thought it warranted its own post as a response. Okay, that's actually not entirely true, as there are other motivations as well; namely, several people have asked me about this very topic, so I figure if that doesn't make it "blogworthy" then what does? Okay, so bear with me, I'm still feeling my way around the appropriate way to "blog." Shakespeare probably had similar problems with that whole iambic pentameter thing at first, too.

So what the hell am I rambling about? Namely, why were there so many English-language signs at last week's anti-Anti-Secession Law rally? Some people have been wondering, so I'm here to provide all the answers. A couple points to be made. First, to be fair, the proportion of English-to-Chinese signs that I posted is not reflective of the actual makeup of the posters at the rally. There were many, many more Chinese-language signs, but unfortunately my Chinese is not good enough to fully understand them. For all I know, they were hilarious, but as my language ability is woefully inadequate to comprehend Chinese humor, I would never know. For example, the play-on-words humor apparent in the "Peking Duck Off" poster would be way over my head were it written in Chinese. So there's that to consider.

But on a more general level, the fact that there were so many chants, songs, slogans, and posters in English is reflective of a long-standing effort by the Taiwanese to market themselves to the non-Chinese speaking world, particularly the United States. It's no doubt why there was a corresponding rally in Washington DC, albeit a far, far smaller one. Specific numbers elude me and it's too late and I'm too tired to look it up, but there's also something along the order of a dozen PR firms and major lobbying firms in DC under the employ of the ROC. They've won huge victories in Congress (*cough* Taiwan Relations Act *cough*) and even have their own caucus in the House of Representatives. So in a word, yes. The whole point of the rally was to "make a scene" as the blog's first-ever poster put it. Even more specifically, to make a scene in the United States.

Unfortunately for the Taiwanese, while the 326 Democracy and Peace for Taiwan carnival's organizational and English-language propaganda efforts were top-notch, their sense of timing left a lot to be desired. Not only did the rally get lost in the typical weekend news cycle black hole, but the Terry Schiavo affair seems to have dominated the news back home for most of the past two weeks, leaving little room for much else. To top it all off, it was Easter weekend, not the best time in the world to try and get your pro-democracy demonstration on the CBS Evening News. Thus, hundreds of thousands of demonstrators in Taipei seem to have made almost no impression whatsoever back in the States. Kind of a shame for them to put in all that work for squat, but at least they gave it the old college try, I guess.

So why the push to get noticed in the US? Well, in the event that the PRC decides to lob a few hundred missiles at Taiwan, the only real thing standing between the ROC and a few hundred thousand sharply-dressed, eager young PLA privates marching through the streets of Kaohsuing is Uncle Sam, or at least so believes the leadership in Taipei (which begs the question, why, if security is such a concern, is the Legislative Yuan dragging its collective heels approving the funding for the most recent arms sales to the island? Oh well, different topic for a different day). But US support is by no means a given, hence the all out effort by Taiwan over the last 50+ years to get US public opinion on the island's side. Anyway, that's the argument in a nutshell, at least as I understand it.

Also worth noting is that there were a ton of Japanese-language signs at the rally, too. Very interesting given the ever-changing security situation in East Asia, particularly Japan's role therein. But as I said it's late, so I'm off for the evening.

Shirt-folding, Japanese style

2005-03-30T00:39:00.000+08:00

The art of shirt folding, all nicely explained on video...in Japanese of course. East Asia fascinates me more and more by the day...

Courtesy of Rich Lowry over at The Corner.

Shit happens...

2005-03-29T16:33:00.000+08:00

...it's just that this time it was 8 tons worth (just read for yourself).

"Pop" vs. "Soda"

2005-03-29T16:17:00.000+08:00

Anyone who's gone out-of-state for college has had the "pop" versus "soda" versus "coke" debate at least once. Now we've actually got some statistics on where in the US people say "pop" and where they say "soda" or "coke." I say forget the whole Red State/Blue State thing and let the generic soft drink names map show us the way...

Always have been a "pop" man myself, in case you were wondering.

The PRC responds

2005-03-28T20:53:00.000+08:00

Here is the Chinese response to this past weekend's festivities in Taipei. Some highlights:

"The extreme Taiwan independence secessionists have been malevolently distorting the principles of the law to misguide the Taiwan people and instigate antagonism and create new tension across the Taiwan Strait."

That's quite a mouthful. It's good to know who's responsible for the new tension in the PRC-ROC relationship, though.

And another doosy:

The newspapers didn't carry pictures of the march. CNN and BBC broadcasts, only available at hotels and apartment complexes for foreigners, were blacked out when they reported on the protest.

We can't let those conniving foreign devils have access to news coverage of the "empty show of strength", after all! Always good for a laugh, the PRC propoganda braintrust.

Beating up on Michigan

2005-03-28T19:55:00.000+08:00

Okay, so it's not as satisfying as the Colorado Avalanche handing the Detroit Red Wings their lunch, but it's close. Knowing there's probably some poor little kid in an Ann Arbor wearing an Yzerman jersey and crying in his milk always makes me smile...

Meanwhile an all-WCHA Frozen Four, eh? Aside from an all-Colorado championship game, it doesn't get much better than that, does it?

So with that, let us take another moment to laugh at the state of Michigan generally and the city of Detroit specifically (remember, you don't even need a special occassion to enjoy a laugh at Detroit's expense).

More "Screw China" Carnival Photos

2005-03-27T16:39:00.001+08:00

By popular request, some more pictures from yesterday's "Democracy and Peace for Taiwan" Carnival.

• More demonstrations near the Presidential Palace. Note the scary ghost/Grim Reaper thing on the right. The sign next to him says "Nine Criticisms of the Communist Party." Not clearly visible in this picture is that on his black robe, printed in red characters is 「共產黨」, i.e. "Communist Party", and on his forehead is painted a red hammer and sickle, a la the USSR.

• The aforementioned "Nine Criticisms of the Communist Party" roughly (and I do mean roughly) translated:
1 of 9: We criticize what the Communist Party is.
2 of 9: We criticize how the Chinese Communist Party came to power.
3 of 9: We criticize the CCP's tyrannical rule.
4 of 9: We criticize the CCP for being a force for turning the universe upside down (I'm definitely losing something in translation here).
5 of 9: We criticize Jiang Zemin and the CCP for mutually exploiting and persecuting Falun Gong
6 of 9: We criticize the CCP for destroying ethnic culture in China.
7 of 9: We criticize the CCP for its history of murder.
8 of 9: We criticize the CCP for its pagan religious nature/essence.
9 of 9: We criticize the CCP for its inherent gangster-like instincts and nature.

• They have certainly mastered the art of cursing in English. I wish I had as colorful a vocabulary in Chinese...

• More PRC well-wishers in front of CKS Memorial Hall.

• The less-than-enthusiastic decor in front of the opposition party (KMT) headquarters. There are metal obstacles lined in barbed wire about 6 feet deep and at least 25 police men standing in front of the closed up building. Guess they weren't feeling the spirit of the carnival at the KMT.

• I thought the "Live Free" banner was a nice touch. The building in the background on the left is the KMT headquarters from the previous photo. The traditional-style building in the background on the right is part of CKS Memorial Hall.

***Scroll down to yesterday's post if you'd like to see some more pictures from the festivities.***

Saber rattling or drifting toward war, part II

2005-03-27T15:09:00.000+08:00

As a quick addition to my post yesterday regarding the respective "points of no return" for the PRC and ROC to come to blows, I would like to note the following.

I need to clarify that it may not take a formal declaration of independence by Taiwan to prompt the PRC to attack. There are several plausible scenarios where China could use "non-peaceful means" before the island formally breaks away. A more accurate statement would be that the point at which the Communist Party leadership decides that there is no hope for reunification is the point at which they would be willing to shoulder all the negative baggage that comes along with attacking Taiwan.

Of course, it's tough to know when the CCP leadership kills a few thousand of its own people, let alone when it comes to this kind of "secret" decision; it may be that no one really knows until the missiles are already in the air. Needless to say, this is a far less precise measure. There are some caveats to consider that can improve its predictive power, though. First, just because the boys in Beijing have concluded that peaceful unification is a pipe dream doesn't mean that they're going to give the order for the million man swim right away. For all we know, they may have already made such a determination. The straw that breaks the camel's back is when the matter becomes time-sensitive. If the Taiwanese are willing to let the status quo prevail indefinitely (even if they will never be willing to settle for unification), the Chinese are no doubt willing to bide their time, enjoy 9 percent annual economic growth, and increase their military spending by double digits every year. Then, at a time of their choosing (preferably after the 2008 Olympics), the leaderhsip in Beijing can give the marching--or swimming, as it were--orders.

In the immediate term, I think it's safe to say that such is the case. Most in Taiwan prefer some variation of the "status quo" to unification or independence, and my general sense is that a quiet majority of the people are content to go about their lives without having the unification/independence issue shoved in their faces. At the same time, though, there is a large, vocal segment of society leading the charge for "Taiwanization." With each passing day, more and more of the islands inhabitants see themselves as "Taiwanese"--or at the least some combination of Chinese and Taiwanese--and less and less "Chinese" (insofar as the PRC constitutes "China"). This is not at all surprising given Taiwan's recent democratization, but it is a trend that the PRC is still trying to respond to effectively. Remember, for most of the ROC's history on Taiwan, the island was seen only as a staging area for the eventual reclaiming of the mainland. To say that Taiwan, it's nationalist government, and its inhabitants were "Chinese" was not just a given, it was official ROC government policy. Of course all this changed in the 1990s when the island democratized and then again with the election of a vocal pro-Taiwan president in 2000. The point (yes, there is a point) is that prior to the late 80s/early 90s, "Taiwanization" wasn't much of a dynamic in cross-Strait relations; this is no longer the case. Because it is such a recent trend, it is hard to completely understand its effects on the island's national politics as well as on its relations with the PRC, which in turn makes it very difficult to predict what the Chinese leadership is thinking.

Then of course there's the question of whether the Taiwanese would be willing to stand up and repel an attack from the mainland, or if they would be more content to acquiesce to a place as a special administrative region, a la Hong Kong. This, in my mind, is the truly interesting question. But that's for another time.

326大游行 a.k.a. the "Screw China" carnival

2005-03-26T21:11:00.000+08:00

Today the masses in Taiwan assembled around Taipei City for the "Democracy and Peace to Protect Taiwan Carnival" (the slogan of the day being exactly that, 「民主和平護台灣」). The name being a kind of misnomer in that it was less of a carnival and more of a multi-pronged, simultaneous protest against the recent passage of the Anti-Secession Law by the PRC. Anyway, here is an article about the event, written beforehand. As soon as an English language report is available, I'll link to it.

Update: Reuters, the New York Times and the AP, among others, now have articles up on the web.

Anyway, here are some pictures of Chinese democracy in action.

• In front of CKS Memorial Hall. Pay special attention to the black banners being carried on the left of the picture. In particular, the tops of said banners.

• More demonstrators at work, this time in front of the Presidential Palace.

• My personal favorite sign of the day.

• Tell us how you really feel.

• And yes, this is a Chinese woman dressed up as the Statue of Liberty (from Taiwanese TV).

Saber rattling or drifting toward war?

2005-03-26T14:40:00.000+08:00

Recently, there's been a lot of talk about Taiwan and China steadily moving toward conflict, and it's by no means unfounded in light of recent events in both China (more) and Taiwan (more and more).

However, a lot of the analyses of recent PRC-ROC relations seem to me incomplete. In most reports about rising tensions and the "move to war", the economic dimension of cross-Strait relations is barely mentioned, if not ignored entirely. In my opinion, any debate over whether there will be conflict in the Taiwan Strait should be framed as such: rapid economic growth is the PRC's greatest single priority. Only continued economic expansion and modernization will allow the PRC to expand its role as a major player in East Asia, and it is the vehicle upon which the PLA plans to ride its rise to military modernization and regional dominance. Thus, the beneifits of a move to war must be measured against the impact such a conflict would have on the trajectory of China's economic growth.

What also must be included in the above framework is Taiwan's role in the PRC's recent economic boom. Again, this is a complicated argument, but the nuts and bolts are that since the KMT's lifting of martial law in 1987, economic and trade ties between the island and its mainland counterpart have increased exponentially. Today, hundreds of thousands of Taiwanese businessmen work on the mainland; Taiwanese foreign direct investment in the mainland numbers in the hundreds of billions of US dollars; and Taiwanese companies not only act as a sourcing gateway for foreign investors looking to grab a slice of the Chinese pie, but also provide China's economy with technology and knowledge spillovers that are crucial to the PRC's continued rise as a global hi-tech manufacturing center. In other words, Taiwan is an underappreciated but crucial kog in the Chinese economic machine. A similar argument can be made about the importance of access to the mainland to Taiwanese firms, as the latter rely more and more on cheap Chinese land and labor for their downstream, labor-intensive sectors of production. In short, the two share an interdependent economic relationship (this is a matter of dispute among China scholars, though. I obviously side with the interdependence crowd).

Thus, the economic reality on both sides of the Taiwan Strait is such that it begs the question: what are the costs of conflict to each and at what point would either be willing to make such a sacrifice? This, to my way of thinking, should be the starting point of any serious analysis of the likelihood of conflict erupting over Taiwan. As an answer to the second half of the question, I offer the following: for the PRC, any actual declaration of independence by Taiwan represents the point at which not going to war becomes impossible. The CCP has made the Taiwan issue into a make-or-break nationalist litmus test for the regime, and at this point, to let the island slip away unopposed would almost certainly lead to a legitimacy crisis for the communist leadership in Beijing. On the Taiwanese side, it's a little more difficult to discern what the finite "tipping point" would be, short of an attack by the PRC. What is clear, though, is that a large segment of the island does not want its fate determined by Party officials in Beijing. But the point of no return? I simply don't know what this would be. I'm inclined to say that it's highly unlikely that conflict would start as a Taiwanese response to PRC action, though. While I can think of several scenarios in which the ROC could provoke the PRC into a fight, I don't see many where the PRC forces Taiwan to fire the first shots (excluding a pre-emptive strike should the ROC feel conflict is inevitable, that is). I'll have to give it some thought.

Anyway, I'm not sure that either side is especially close to the proverbial point of no return; thus, I am skeptical that missiles will be heading toward Taipei anytime soon. The recent noise on both sides of the Strait seems but another chapter in the saber rattling that has characterized the PRC-ROC relationship since the end of WWII. But if history has taught us anything, it's that these sorts of things sometimes take on a life of their own, so this prediction is made with the utmost caution and humility.

The PRC and Tianamen

2005-03-26T13:29:00.000+08:00

This seems a pretty astute piece by Jim Hogland in the Washington Post on Thursday. In the midst of all the controversy over the Anti-Secession Law and the EU arms embargo, precious little has been said about what prompted the latter, an event which makes the former seem particularly ominous.

Journalistic sludge on US-PRC-ROC relations

2005-03-25T23:45:00.000+08:00

This may be the worst article I've ever seen written about US-China-Taiwan relations. And that's saying something.

A few parts worth responding to:

“China must embrace some form of open representative government if it is to reap the benefits and meet the challenges of a globalizing world,” Rice said bluntly, although Chinese foreign policy types might conclude that they're doing rather nicely in terms of reaping those benefits on the basis of the current system.

Yes, and a few casual readers might conclude that Tony Karon's a smug assclown. Why not just come out and say it, Tony? YOU have decided that "they're doing rather nicely . . . on the basis of the current system." Such a conclusion is by no means unreasonable, but I am at a loss to understand why journalists always feel the need to use annonymous "sources" and "experts" to validate what is quite clearly their own opinion. Most experts agree that this is clear sign of sloppy journalism and hidden bias. Oh, and Tony, the Chinese "foreign policy types" that don't come to that conclusion are most likely under house arrest, in a labor camp, or dead. FYI.

On a more substantial note, it's pretty obvious--even from the lean context given to us by Mr. Karon--that Secretary Rice is commenting on the future prospects of sustaining the current rate of economic growth and integration into the global economy without some sort of accompanying political liberalization. I think it's fair to say that the present combination of economic liberalization and total lack of political freedom (and transparency) may, just may, not be tenable in the long haul. At the minimum, continued economic growth is certain to exert pressure on the Chinese leadership, most likely of the political variety. Not to mention the difficulties involved in opening up a historically closed-market, nationally micro-managed economy to the global market and international competition. This, of course, is a topic worthy of a scholarly thesis, so I will leave it at that for now.

Another bit of brilliance from Karon:

But then, they may not have reckoned with the fact that the U.S. has suddenly found itself playing catch-up in responding to China's “great leap forward” in recent years as a regional strategic power center.

I wasn't aware that the Secretary of State woke up last week and suddenly realized that China was a concern. This is most distressing indeed. And to think that all this time no one in or out of government has been paying attention to China's "peaceful rise."

Of course it is foolish to suggest this is the case. I would wager Secretary Rice's tone during her Beijing visit had more to do with the recent Bush Administration emphasis on worldwide democratization combined with that pesky little Anti-Secession Law rubber stamped (I mean "passed") last week in Beijing. Also, am I the only one who thinks that the choice of the phrase "great leap forward" is unfortunate at best and just really silly and stupid at worst? It was probably an attempt at humor, but considering that the PRC's current course is pretty much a complete and total departure from the policies of the actual Great Leap Forward, it seems a poor choice of words to me.

For China, the period represented an opportunity to consolidate its astonishing strategic gains assembled in line with what some in its foreign policy establishment call a policy of “concealing strength and waiting for opportunities.”

I'm not disputing that the PRC is biding her time and building up her strength. But I would like to know what these "astonishing strategic gains" are. As an observer of Chinese politics, I honestly have no idea to which "strategic gains" Karon is referring.

Not only is China's prosperity not financed by debt, it currently holds some $610 billion of foreign exchange reserves in U.S. currency and a substantial portion of the U.S. debt, giving it unprecedented influence over the fate of the dollar and even possibly over the U.S. money supply.

I've always found this line of argument unpersuasive, but especially so in this case. There are a few to many simplifying assumptions implicit in the above sentence. Sure, the PRC has a HUGE chunk of currency reserves in US dollars; yet as a result, the value of the PRC's foreign currency reserves depends heavily upon the value of the dollar. When you really think about it, the argument collapses on itself. Yes, in theory the PRC could try to undermine the dollar by massively converting its money supply to euros, yen, etc. Of course, in so doing, they are essentially devaluing their own reserves (one can't just dump $610 billion in dollars onto the market without depreciating the value of what you're trying to sell). Then there is the impact this has on the prices of Chinese exports, the horse onto which the PRC has hitched its economic growth wagon. The question is, under what circumstances would the Chinese leadership be willing to take these kinds of hits and how much impact could they really have on US monetary policy.

Whether or not a country struggling to keep its largest state-owned banks solvent can undertake such a massive project for minimal strategic gains is a whole different topic. But before we wax nostalgic about China's prosperity not being financed by debt, why don't we take a moment to think about how many hundreds of billions of those precious foreign currency reserves were dipped into by the government last year in order to finance the horrendous loans made by said banks. It's one thing to talk about a negative balance of payments; quite another to talk about the shaky stability of a country's banking sector. Not all is rosy there on Mainland China.

China has committed itself to a long-term investment of up to $70 billion in Iran's oil and natural gas fields, which makes it highly likely that Beijing would veto any UN Security Council effort to impose sanctions on Iran over its nuclear activities.

Gee, I don't suppose this could have anything to do with Secretary Rice's less-than-euphoric tone...

China has not moved in the direction of using force to restore Beijing's control over Taiwan; it has simply reiterated a longstanding warning that force will be used to prevent Taiwan from abandoning the status quo by moving toward formal independence.

Hmm, that's an interesting way to put it. Some might say that passing a law legally obligating oneself to go to war--or as the PRC likes to refer to it, to use "non-peaceful means"-- isn't moving in the direction of using force. Of course, the only people I know of who would put it this way are all members of the Chinese Communist Party Politburo. But seriously, to suggest that there's no distinction between official threats of force and legislation requiring the use of force is simply incredible. If the United States Congress were to pass legislation tomorrow demanding an invasion of Iran should they refuse to abandon their nuclear ambitions, would journalists for Time consider that a simple reiteration of a longstanding warning? Or would the headlines more likely read "US moves in the direction of war"? I think the answer's pretty clear.

The Taiwan issue is the keystone of the nationalism that has replaced socialism as the basic ideology of the ruling Communist Party, and the move to encode China's position in legislation may have come about in response to grandstanding on the independence issue by Taiwan's nationalist President Chen Shuibian.

The first part of this sentence is the most well-informed part of the entire piece. Unfortunately, the latter half is pure speculation, and poorly informed speculation at that. My only objection to the former is that nationalism has replaced communism, not socialism, as the basic ideology of the CCP. I do, however, have a much greater problem with the linkage between the Anti-Secession Law and Chen Shui-bian's term as president (or should I say, Chen's "grandstanding"--as though that choice of wording doesn't clue you in on where Karon stands on this issue). The most glaring problem with this logic is that the Anit-Secession Law has been a hot topic for years among hawkish factions of the CCP. That it passed now, the middle of March during an otherwise uneventul period in PRC-ROC relations (one in which things were looking up, as a matter of fact, with recent direct flights over the Chinese New Year) is somewhat baffling--if you believe its passage is somehow the result of Chen's policies, that is. If the PRC was prompted to act by the brashness of Chen, one would have expected such action to come when Chen had actually ratched up the rhetoric. There were ample opportunities to choose from last year when Chen was at his most brazen, yet there was no substantial movement on the legislation.

Moreover, as Karon notes at the end of the same paragraph, Chen's DPP failed to secure a much-desired majority in the Legislative Yuan during last December's elections, despite the DPP running a campaign that focused largely on national and constitutional issues. The lack of success at the ballot box was so compelling that it led the PRC to...wait three months and then stir up a hornet's nest in Taiwan by passing the Anti-Secession Law? This linkage requires some strange logic indeed.

There are other things one could nitpick about in this article, but I've addressed the major ones. Again, almost all are points open for debate, as my word is certainly not the only correct one...well, yes it is, but that's beside the point. What is interesting, though, is how this "news" article would be more appropriate in the editorial pages. Sure, it is informative about the changing geopolitical dynamic in East Asia and has a lot of useful, purely journalistic information. But is it impossible in this day and age for a reporter's own opinion not to color his or her writing on a topic? Again, no big deal as long as it's spelled out up front. In this case, however, it is not, and the casual observer may take statements like "China has not moved in the direction of using force to restore Beijing's control over Taiwan; it has simply reiterated a longstanding warning that force will be used to prevent Taiwan from abandoning the status quo by moving toward formal independence" as pure, undisputed fact when they are anything but.

Anyway, it's worth reading if only as an exercise in how not to interpret US-PRC-ROC relations.

The big, bad, first-ever post

2005-02-27T17:51:00.000+08:00

In an act of complete and total unoriginality, I have decided to hop on the blog bandwagon, so to speak, and record some random musings on occassion--maybe even a photograph or two--for posterity's sake. Whether anyone besides me, my shrink, and perhaps the prosecuting attorney and jury will ever read this is uncertain at best (speaking of which, if you're reading this right now, what the hell are you doing? Wouldn't something else--anything else!--be a better use of your time?). But I'm sure Dante was thinking precisely that while he penned that whole Divine Comedy thing...which wasn't that funny, I might add.

And with that rhetorical flourish, the website began. Ok, so things can really only improve from here...