TAKING BACK HOLLYWOOD
by the Sethel
I hope the message is getting through loud and clear to the Hollywood suits. And if it’s not, if they’re still wondering why the box office is down (which is a completely relative statistic, by the way), or why their big budget films aren’t flying to the top spot in the weekly money-rankings, well then they need to be fired for both lack of artistic taste and complete stupidity.

What message am I referring to? Why the one that us, the movie going public, have sent them by not turning out in droves for the mindless summer drivel they’ve been producing. It would seem we finally wised up to their tricks, and are tired of being disappointed every year when the temperatures start to rise. There are still good, smart, action blockbusters from Lord of the Rings, to Harry Potter, to Sin City. But there is one thing that unites those movies and separates them from the rest of the filth: they were not released during the summer. I have a sneaking suspicion that the reason for this is that there are some smart people in the studios who decided these films should not get lost among the brain-numbing plotless-action of a Michael Bay film or the cliché-driven action-comedy (still plotless) of a Brett Ratner film.

War of the Worlds opened at #1, the biggest opening of Tom Cruise’s career. And then what happened to it? Well, people went and saw it, realized it was a horrible misfire, talked about it and stopped others from making the same mistake. The proof is in the pudding:
Days 1–3 of Release—$80 million
Days 4-28 of Release—$128 millionFor a film that cost $120 million to make that’s a failure, not to mention a huge drop-off in earnings after the opening weekend.

What have we seen the past two weeks? We’ve seen big budget films The Island, Bad News Bears, and Stealth stagger out of the gate. None of them finishing higher than fourth. And that’s opening weekend, when the blockbusters are supposed to make all their money (see War of the Worlds above)!

For the last three weeks the top two spots have been occupied by the same movies (flip-flopping spots this last weekend), and I don’t remember the last time that happened during a summer movie season. The reason? Well, I’ve seen them both and, if I could be allowed to speculate: THEY’RE GOOD, PERIOD. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Wedding Crashers are fun, funny, smart films that are not the typical summer fare.

In addition to that independent darling Hustle & Flow; documentaries March of the Penguins, and Murderball, and Rob Zombie-murder-fest The Devil’s Rejects have all done surprisingly well (look at the per theater average and see just how well), and that’s another strong indicator that people are finally fed-up with Hollywood.

One of the problems Hollywood has is that they look at the overall box office score rather than the per theater average, but it’s the per-theater average that tells you how popular your movie really is. As a matter of fact for the past two weeks the Top 5 of the Box Office if they were figured on a per-theater average rather than total gross would look like this:

Monday, July 25
1) Wedding Crashers $8, 957
2) Hustle & Flow $7,996
3) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory $7,467
4) March of the Penguins $6,187
5) The Devil’s Rejects $3,984

Monday, August 1
1) Wedding Crashers $6,757
2) March of the Penguins $5,309
3) Must Love Dogs $5,209
4) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory $4,340
5) Hustle & Flow $3,940

Notice something missing? Like, say, any action films. Where’s The Island, Stealth, War of the Worlds, Fantastic Four? People, by and large, are sick of those movies. They want something with content. An action movie can have content and be good, but these don’t, and movie goers are getting more savvy at determining the good from the bad before they plop down $10 for a ticket.
Studios must take note of this right? Let’s hope so. We are, after all, talking about one of the most poorly run industries in the world. Any other industry that had to spend $7 billion a year in order to make $9 billion (i.e., a $2 billion net) would undergo a serious overhaul. But not Hollywood! But at least the message is finally being sent out, and I no longer feel like I’m the only person not drinking the crazy juice at a Hollywood mixer. And I’m happy about that, I only hope the message is being received.

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EDITOR'S NOTE: The Sethel is a movie connoisseur, artistic mercenary in the cut-throat advertising business, and a lover of women the world over. When he's not plotting a takeover of Hollywood, he enjoys long walks on the beach, sunets, puppy dogs, and keg stands. Fan mail and donations (in the form of full frontal nudity -- women only) are welcome.